Hippocratic Oath for Hospital Administrators
Reads as follows:
Going forward, I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this cost-saving and value-added covenant:
I am an agent of change and will under-appreciate the hard-won scientific gains of those providers in whose steps I walk, and gladly reward such knowledge with overburden, understaffing, and unattainable incentive programs.
I will be a visionary and give 110% 24/7 during this perfect storm and apply, for the benefit of the bottom line, all data-driven measures which are required, avoiding those twin traps of compassion and common sense.
I will architect a robust, game-changing integrated and user-friendly approach.
I will manage expectations and remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, ignore them all equally, and that the 4 P’s – prosperity, power, paperwork, and protocols – may outweigh the surgeon’s knife or chemist’s drug.
Synergy.
I will not be ashamed to say “It’s a paradigm shift” or “It’s a win-win” or “I’m a team player” or “Deal with it” or “This is where the rubber meets the road” or “Let’s circle back to that” or “There’s some low-hanging fruit” or “I may sound like a broken record” or “My door is always open” or “Let’s address the elephant in the room,” nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed to deflect the honest questions or grumblings of those who work for me.
I will respect the privacy of the budget this fiscal year, for their values are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of debt and employment. If it is given to me save a buck, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a job; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great arrogance and awareness of my own superiority. Above all, I must not play at Todd, the Chief Financial Officer (CFO).
At the end of the day, I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart or a cancerous growth; the providers do. Today, more than ever, my responsibility includes thinking outside the box, pushing the envelope, taking it to the next level, maximizing leverage, and putting a stake in the ground, if I am to care adequately for the sick.
Transparency.
As an industry leader, I will raise the bar whenever I can, for raising the bar is preferable to dropping the ball. I will bring my A game.
As I step up to the plate, I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.
J/K.
If I do not violate this faster, cheaper, and better oath, may I enjoy golf and cigars, respected while I live posh and remembered with a commemorative plaque or statue thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my strategic and seamlessly integrated calling and may I long experience the joy of downsizing those who seek my help.
Now, let’s hit the ground running.
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