Blood

Typical inside of a blood bank

Blood is a red liquid that is thicker than water but thinner than ketchup, whose main role is to be drawn by phlebotomists daily so that doctors can transfuse patients later for anemia.

Function

When not being drawn into tubes or leaking out of human orifices thanks to Coumadin, the role of blood is to transport oxygen, gravy, and Dilaudid to all cells of the body.^[1] During the Olympics, blood can be used in lieu of water in swimming pools.^[2]

Composition

Blood is made up of plasma (water, other proteins, fat, more fat, and lard) and blood cells (such as red blood cells, white blood cells, and blue blood cells in Americans). Blood navigates the arteries, veins, capillaries, and organs of the human body with the assistance of Google Maps or Uber. The pH of blood can range from 0 to infinity, but life is most compatible when it ranges between 7.35 and 7.45.

Monitoring

The best way to monitor blood counts is by checking a complete blood count (CBC) or the lesser useful incomplete blood count (IBC).^[3] In the event the sample is hemolyzed, be sure to ask the lab nicely and it will spontaneously unhemolyze.^[4]

Treatments

Blood donation - Blood donation is always a benevolent act whereby a person donates blood in exchange for symptomatic anemia, only to be transfused with the blood they just donated. Donated blood is kept in a blood bank, which charges an APY of 1.05%.^[5]^[6] For more information, see Blood Consent Form and Blood Types.
Blood transfusion - Blood transfusion is the infusion of blood products in someone who is anemic due to blood loss, whether or not it is related to phlebotomy or yanking out one's Foley catheter out of curiosity.^[7] A current hot topic in medicine is at what hemoglobin threshold to initiate transfusion. Several strategies include liberal transfusion strategies (transfuse for Hgb < 10), restrictive transfusion strategies (transfuse for Hgb < 8), or really restrictive transfusion strategies (transfuse for a Hgb < 0). For more information, see TRICC Trial.
Bloodletting - It is a common misconception that bloodletting is rarely used in modern medicine, with exception of the management of hemochromatosis and polycythemia. However, bloodletting is performed everyday in clinics and hospitals nationwide under the term "phlebotomy."