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[[File:Young Male Doctor.jpg|300px450px|thumb|leftright|''"I bet you can't tell that I just cried in the call room!"'']]
''"I had long since learned that the secret to a happy and successful life was to steer clear of any project masterminded by that young scourge of the species." - Bertram Wooster, "Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves" (1926)'' ''"I left them, and noticed them pointing at me to each other, pleased that I would be their brother's doctor. I was moved. I was a doctor. For the first time that day, I felt excited, proud. They believed in me, in my art. I would take care of their brother, and them. Take care of the whole world, why not? I marched down the hallway with [[Pride|pride]]. I fingered the chrome of my [[Stethoscope|stethoscope]] with a certain expertise. Like I knew what I was doing. Far-out. It didn't last." - Roy Basch, "The House of God" (1978)'' A '''July intern''' is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other[[Word Salad|words]], a '''July intern''' is a [http://gomerblog.com/2015/10/medical-student-deer/ deer in headlights ] except less likely to survive. The goal of a '''July intern''' is to surviveirrespective of whether they are thrown into the fire or the [[Deep End|deep end]]. <ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/interns-thrown-fire/ Breaking: Interns Literally Being Thrown into the Fire (Gomerblog)]</ref> The goal of patients under the care of a '''July intern''' is to survive as well.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2013/07/report-the-worst-time-of-year-to-be-sick/ Report: July The Worst Time of Year to Be Sick (Gomerblog)]</ref>
'''Characteristics of a July Intern'''
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Though the initial few moments of a '''July intern's''' day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/medicine-intern/ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern(Gomerblog)]</ref> For one, the downfall starts when a '''July intern''' first gets lost within the [[Hospital|hospital]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/residency-programs-2/ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells(Gomerblog)]</ref> A '''July intern''' may further be rattled by a [[Code Blue]] for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a [[Supply Closet|supply closet]] or suck one's thumb.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-intern/ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb(Gomerblog)]</ref> By mid-morning, a '''July intern''' does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: [[CP|chest pain]], [[SOB|shortness of breath]], [[Palpitations|palpitations]], [[Abdominal Pain|abdominal pain]], nausea, [[Vomicking|vomiting]], urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/intern-cant-hold-pee/ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self(Gomerblog)]</ref> Dehydration is very common among '''July interns''' due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/crying-july-1st-interns-spotted/ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted(Gomerblog)]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/03/burnout/ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout(Gomerblog)]</ref> Do not surprised if a '''July intern''' turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/08/intern-asking-just-one-hug/ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug”(Gomerblog)]</ref> It also during this very first month that '''July interns''' - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the [[Cafeteria|cafeteria]] is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]]. Finally, '''July interns''' are known to be notoriously clumsy, doing things like tripping over [[Foley Catheter|Foleys]], dropping babies, or becoming proficient at pneumothoraces.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/05/foley-catheters/ Clumsy Intern Keeps Tripping Over Patients’ Foley Catheters (Gomerblog)]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/12/clumsy-ob-gyn/ Clumsy OB/GYN Intern Fumbles a Record 11 Babies (Gomerblog)]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/july-intern-pneumothorax/ July Intern Really Excited to Cause His Very First Pneumothorax (Gomerblog)]</ref> As Bertram Wooster told his clumsy friend Stinker Pinker in P.G. Wodehouse's ''Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves'', "You move in a mysterious way your wonders to perform, Stinker. I believe you would bump into something if you were crossing the Gobi dessert," to which Stinker replied, "I've never been in the Gobi dessert."
'''The Difference Between a July Intern and a June Intern'''
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This is best summarized here: [http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/june-vs-july-interns/ July vs. June Interns]. It can be best summarized as "'''July interns''' stink and June interns are better."
'''Impact on Society'''
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The influence of '''July interns''' on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on [[July]], the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/06/decreases-mortality/ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%(Gomerblog)]</ref> In the event an 11-month calendar cannot be created, nurses are often seen fleeing the healthcare system in record numbers under the guise of vacation leave.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-vacation/ July Interns Forcing Nurses to Take July Vacation in Record Numbers(Gomerblog)]</ref> [[File:Charmin TP Sales.jpg|400px|thumb|right|''Figure 351'']] However, one sector of the economy does benefit from '''July interns''': the toilet paper industry. The act of '''July interns''' sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses (''see Figure 351'').<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/charmin-expects-summer-profits/ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves (Gomerblog)]</ref> Market economists project that 2017 will be a big year for other industries as well: the tissue paper and [[2016 Code Constipation Algorithm|underwear]] industries.
'''Advice to Patients'''
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* Stay at home until the [[2016 Revised Fall Precautions|autumn]].
'''Advice to July Interns'''
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*Learn to curl into the [[Fetal Position|fetal position]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/fetal-position/ Tips for New Interns: How to Curl into the Fetal Position (Gomerblog)]</ref>*Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally. Other than *Your other important friend: [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]].*Study [http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/survive-internship/ Gomerblog's Exhaustive List on How to Survive Internship]<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/survive-internship/ GomerBlog’s Exhaustive List on How to Survive Internship (Gomerblog)]</ref> '''Related Reading'''----* [[Asociality]]* [[Begging]]* [[Brave]]* [[Can I ran something by you?]]* [[Claustrophobia]]* [[Coffee]]* [[Deep End]]* [[Differential Diagnosis]]* [[Do you know where my patient is located?]]* [[Doctor Zhivago]]* [[Does my nurse have a name or do I just call him or her "nurse"?]]* [[Dyspnea]]* [[Fidget Spinner]]* [[Fire]]* [[Graham Crackers]]* [[How good of a doctor am I?]]* [[Homer's The Odyssey]]* [[Hypersensitivity Reaction]]* [[Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder]]* [[I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry (Song)]]* [[Mentor]]* [[MVI]]* [[Open-Ended Question]]* [[Parasite]]* [[Prank Page]]* [[Resting Bitch Face]]* [[Teaching Hospital]]* [[Timeout Cage]]* [[Toilet Paper]]* [[What should I do if a nurse is upset with me?]]* [[When is the best time to call a consult?]]* [[Whine]]* [[Whippersnapper]]* [[You're not gonna make it as a doctor]]