July Intern

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"I bet you can't tell that I just cried in the call room!"

A July intern is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other words, a July intern is a deer in headlights except less likely to survive. The goal of a July intern is to survive. The goal of patients under the care of a July intern is to survive as well.[1]


Characteristics of a July Intern


Though the initial few moments of a July intern's day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.[2] For one, the downfall starts when a July intern first gets lost within the hospital.[3] A July intern may further be rattled by a Code Blue for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a supply closet or suck one's thumb.[4] By mid-morning, a July intern does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: chest pain, shortness of breath, palpitations, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.[5] Dehydration is very common among July interns due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.[6][7] Do not surprised if a July intern turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.[8] It also during this very first month that July interns - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the cafeteria is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of graham crackers.


The Difference Between a July Intern and a June Intern


This is best summarized here: July vs. June Interns. It can be best summarized as "July interns stink and June interns are better."


Impact on Society


The influence of July interns on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on July, the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.[9] In the event an 11-month calendar cannot be created, nurses are often seen fleeing the healthcare system in record numbers under the guise of vacation leave.[10]

Figure 351


However, one sector of the economy does benefit from July interns: the toilet paper industry. The act of July interns sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses.[11] See Figure 351. Market economists project that 2017 will be a big year for other industries as well: the tissue paper and underwear industries.


Advice to Patients


Stay at home until autumn.


Advice to July Interns


Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally. Other than graham crackers.


References


  1. Report: July The Worst Time of Year to Be Sick
  2. Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern
  3. Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells
  4. July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb
  5. Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self
  6. Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted
  7. Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout
  8. Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug”
  9. Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%
  10. July Interns Forcing Nurses to Take July Vacation in Record Numbers
  11. Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves



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