Pager

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Figure 19

"My beeper, man, it's off. They can't get me now." - Chuck, The House of God


A pager (or beeper) is that annoying f**king piece of crap that health care providers carry in order to be contacted in the most annoying, anachronistic way possible.


Receiving a Pager for the First Time as a Student


It may feel like a joyous event at the time, but many people who look back at this moment in their lives describe it as a "dark and dismal day."


Carrying the Pager


Where one places a pager on their body is a reflection of that person's mood. If the pager is found on a patient's belt or white coat, then that person either is in a good mood or simply forgot to put the pager in a better place, such as at home or in a random hospital drawer. For that reason, it is rare to spot a pager on a sane health care provider.


Also, contrary to popular belief, pathologists do carry pagers.[1]


Forwarding the Pager


Forwarding the pager is a surefire way to have an orgasm in the hospital.


Sounds a Pager Makes


Only obnoxious ones. If it's a sound that makes your blood curdle and vomit inside your mouth, then it's a pager tone.[2] If it is a subtle or neutral one, then it has no place on a pager.


Anatomy of a Pager


A pager is made out of misery and cockroach shells. See Figure 19 for more details.


Special Edition Pagers


There are a few variations of the pager:

  1. On March 17, 2015, Apple released an Apple Pager, much to the delight of medical personnel since it cost only $1999 and was made with real human retinas.[3]
  2. On March 3, 2016, Our Lady of Perpetual Dispo in North Carolina released a new shock-paging system where each user is allowed can deliver a 30,000 volts of electricity directly into the hip of another person in the health care system. The new system has been deemed a success due to the subsequent and dramatic decrease in unnecessary pages and consults, especially from the emergency room.[4]
  3. This past Fourth of July, health care systems rolled out special edition pagers that played patriotic songs such as the "Star-Spangled Banner" or "Born in the U.S.A.."[5]


Did You Know?


Good Night, Pager.png
  1. Did you know that rather than throwing a pager off of the rooftop you can simply make the pager DNR? Just call Palliative Care and they're more than happy to help.
  2. Did you know it's possible to tell when you and your pager are headed for a break-up? Check out this Gomerblog article: Top 10 Signs It’s Time to Break Up with Your Pager
  3. Did you know that October 16, 2015 was the first National Toss Your Pager in the Trash Day? It was a day to celebrate and curse the existence of this garbage device, arguably the health care providers number one source of burnout.
  4. Did you know there is a Gomerblog tutorial on how to return a page?[6]
  5. Did you know there is algorithm for what to do if you drop your pager in the toilet?[7]


Related Reading


- National Toss Your Pager in the Trash Day

- Reverse Stethoscope Technique

- Status Interrupticus


References


  1. Pathology Duty Pager Goes Off Overnight
  2. I Wish My Pager Had Less Irritating Sounds, Like Fork on Chalkboard & Midnight Car Alarm
  3. What We Like & Dislike About the New Apple Pager
  4. Hospital Installs Shock-Paging System, Morale Soars
  5. Patriotic Call Lights, Pagers to Play National Anthem
  6. Video Tutorial: How to Return a Page
  7. So You Dropped Your Pager into the Toilet, What to Do Next


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