Pager

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Figure 19

A pager is that annoying f**king piece of crap that health care providers carry in order to be contacted in the most annoying, anachronistic way possible.


Receiving a Pager for the First Time as a Student


It may feel like a joyous event at the time, but many people who look back at this moment in their lives describe it as a "dark and dismal day."


Carrying the Pager


Where one places a pager on their body is a reflection of that person's mood. If the pager is found on a patient's belt or white coat, then that person either is in a good mood or simply forgot to put the pager in a better place, such as at home or in a random hospital drawer. For that reason, it is rare to spot a pager on a sane health care provider.


Also, contrary to popular belief, pathologists do carry pagers.[1]


Forwarding the Pager


Forwarding the pager is a surefire way to have an orgasm in the hospital.


Sounds a Pager Makes


Only obnoxious ones. If it's a sound that makes your blood curdle and vomit inside your mouth, then it's a pager tone.[2] If it is a subtle or neutral one, then it has no place on a pager.


Anatomy of a Pager


A pager is made out of misery and cockroach shells. See Figure 19 for more details.


Special Edition Pagers


There are a few variations of the pager:

  1. On March 17, 2015, Apple released an Apple Pager, much to the delight of medical personnel since it cost only $1999 and was made with real human retinas.[3]
  2. This past Fourth of July, health care systems rolled out special edition pagers that played patriotic songs such as the "Star-Spangled Banner" or "Born in the U.S.A.."[4]


Did You Know?


  1. Did you know that rather than throwing a pager off of the rooftop you can simply make the pager DNR? Just call Palliative Care and they're more than happy to help.
  2. Did you know it's possible to tell when you and your pager are headed for a break-up? Check out this Gomerblog article: Top 10 Signs It’s Time to Break Up with Your Pager
  3. Did you know that October 16, 2015 was the first National Toss Your Pager in the Trash Day? It was a day to celebrate and curse the existence of this garbage device, arguably the health care providers number one source of burnout.


References


  1. Pathology Duty Pager Goes Off Overnight
  2. I Wish My Pager Had Less Irritating Sounds, Like Fork on Chalkboard & Midnight Car Alarm
  3. What We Like & Dislike About the New Apple Pager
  4. Patriotic Call Lights, Pagers to Play National Anthem



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