"My beeper, man, it's off. They can't get me now." - Chuck, The House of God
A pager (or beeper) is that annoying f**king piece of crap that health care providers carry in order to be contacted in the most annoying, anachronistic way possible.
Receiving a Pager for the First Time as a Student
It may feel like a joyous event at the time, but many people who look back at this moment in their lives describe it as a "dark and dismal day."
Carrying the Pager
Where one places a pager on their body is a reflection of that person's mood. If the pager is found on a patient's belt or white coat, then that person either is in a good mood or simply forgot to put the pager in a better place, such as at home or in a random hospital drawer. For that reason, it is rare to spot a pager on a sane health care provider.
Also, contrary to popular belief, pathologists do carry pagers.
Forwarding the Pager
Forwarding the pager is a surefire way to have an orgasm in the hospital.
Sounds a Pager Makes
Only obnoxious ones. If it's a sound that makes your blood curdle and vomit inside your mouth, then it's a pager tone. If it is a subtle or neutral one, then it has no place on a pager.
Anatomy of a Pager
A pager is made out of misery and cockroach shells. See Figure 19 for more details.
Special Edition Pagers
There are a few variations of the pager:
- On March 17, 2015, Apple released an Apple Pager, much to the delight of medical personnel since it cost only $1999 and was made with real human retinas.
- On March 3, 2016, Our Lady of Perpetual Dispo in North Carolina released a new shock-paging system where each user is allowed can deliver a 30,000 volts of electricity directly into the hip of another person in the health care system. The new system has been deemed a success due to the subsequent and dramatic decrease in unnecessary pages and consults, especially from the emergency room.
- This past Fourth of July, health care systems rolled out special edition pagers that played patriotic songs such as the "Star-Spangled Banner" or "Born in the U.S.A.."
Did You Know?
- Did you know that rather than throwing a pager off of the rooftop you can simply make the pager DNR? Just call Palliative Care and they're more than happy to help.
- Did you know it's possible to tell when you and your pager are headed for a break-up? Check out this Gomerblog article: Top 10 Signs It’s Time to Break Up with Your Pager
- Did you know that October 16, 2015 was the first National Toss Your Pager in the Trash Day? It was a day to celebrate and curse the existence of this garbage device, arguably the health care providers number one source of burnout.
- Did you know there is a Gomerblog tutorial on how to return a page?
- Did you know there is algorithm for what to do if you drop your pager in the toilet?
- Pathology Duty Pager Goes Off Overnight
- I Wish My Pager Had Less Irritating Sounds, Like Fork on Chalkboard & Midnight Car Alarm
- What We Like & Dislike About the New Apple Pager
- Hospital Installs Shock-Paging System, Morale Soars
- Patriotic Call Lights, Pagers to Play National Anthem
- Video Tutorial: How to Return a Page
- So You Dropped Your Pager into the Toilet, What to Do Next