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[[File:Hospital Bed 2011.JPG|400px|thumb|right]]
A '''hospital bed''' is a bed specifically designed for gomers, patients with 20 out of 10 pain, [[Sandwich Deficiency Syndrome|sandwich deficiency syndrome (SDS)]], or any combination of the three. The beds are specially designed to promote discomfort and pressure ulcers for patients, and be a constant source of frustration for nurses and transport. Despite For the wheels on cost of about $1000, the '''hospital bed, the parking brake is always engaged and cannot be manually overridden, making it more stationary than beds at home ''' has several features that have no wheels at allnever work.
'''FeaturesWheels'''
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''Fats shouted out, "Going up!" pushed the button, and Rokitansky began to rise. During the smooth journey Fats called out, "Vacuum cleaners, ladies' lingerie, appliances, toys," and finally, when Rokitansky was five feet off the ground chest-level with us all, the Fat Man said, "This is one of the most important positions. From this height, if a gomer goes to ground it is an automatic intertrochanteric fracture of a hip, and a TURF TO ORTHOPEDICS. This height," said Fats, beaming, "is called "The Orthopedic.' The penultimate. And now, the ultimate." Again Fats hit the button, and Mr. Rokitansky floated on up, coming to rest at the level of our heads. "This height is called 'The Neurosurgical.' Going to ground from here results in the TURF TO NEUROSURGERY. And from there, they rarely BOUNCE back. Thank you, gentlemen, see you at lunch."''
Other important bed adjustments include [[Trendelenburg]] and [[Reverse Trendelenburg|reverse Trendelenburg]], which is covered elsewhere in Gomerpedia.
'''Side Rails'''
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The main role of the side rails is to yank on a patient's IV, PICC, rectal tube, Foley, and telemetry, and cause bleeding. It's secondary role is to be an anchor for [[Restraints|restraints]].
'''Bed Exit Alarm'''
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This lets the [[Nurses Station|nurses station]] know that the patient just fell out of the bed, and either requires a CT of the head, an XR of the hip, or both. The bed exit alarm achieves nothing from a prevention standpoint. It just lets you know that something bad happened sooner.
'''Related Equipment in the Room'''
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* [[Bathroom]]
* [[Call Light]]
* [[Disposable Glove]]
* [[Gown]]
* [[Suction]]
[[Category:Medical Device]]
[[Category:The House of God]]
