Changes

The '''Centers for Disease Control and Prevention''' (or the '''CDC''') is a federal agency under the [[Tom Price|Department of Health and Human Services ]] whose role is to undo the damage caused by the Centers for Disease Chaos and Promotion. (Those guys are such bastards.)

Atlanta, Georgia, United States, North America, Western Hemisphere, [[Earth]], Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe.

#On November 18, 2013, the '''CDC''' was humbled when they traced a deadly carbapenem-resistant ''Enterobacteriaceae'' outbreak to a break room within the '''CDC''' infection control department.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2013/11/cdc/ CDC Break Room Found to Be Culprit in New Bacterial Outbreak(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On May 1, 2013, the '''CDC''' granted state governments the right to quarantine unvaccinated families in what was called Proposition 23.4.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/05/quarantine/ CDC Plans to Move and Quarantine Unvaccinated Families(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On August 24, 2014, the '''CDC''' warned Americans about an emerging domestic threat called panniculolithiasis, a calcification on imaging ultimately found to be buried under a patient's [[Pannus|pannus]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/08/disease-2/ CDC Warns of Emerging Disease Deemed “Panniculolithiasis”(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On October 16, 2014, the '''CDC''' responded to growing concerns about the Ebola virus by issuing a disease-containment algorithm called "For the Love of God, Just Burn Everything."<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/10/cdc-ebola/ CDC Releases Revised Ebola Management Policy for Healthcare Workers: Just Burn Everything(Gomerblog)]</ref> It was the first '''CDC''' guideline ecstatically endorsing the use of gasoline and matches.#On October 22, 2014, the '''CDC''' discovered that a man from Raleigh, North Carolina contracted Ebola virus through a [[Patient Satisfaction Survey|patient satisfaction survey]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/10/cdc-ebola-2/ CDC Confirms Ebola Transmitted Via Patient Satisfaction Surveys(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On October 31, 2014, the '''CDC''' decided to deal with anti-vaxxers by funding a trip to "send every last one of them overseas.".<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/10/cdc-fund-anti-vaxxer-africa-trip/ CDC to Fund Anti-Vaxxer Africa Trip(Gomerblog)]</ref> This was met with resounding approval from the medical establishment.#On January 16, 2016, the '''CDC''' identified a new insect vector called the dry-humping bug.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/01/cdc-dry-humping-bug/ CDC Warning: Dangerous “Dry Humping” Bug Found in Lower U.S.(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On March 6, 2016, the '''CDC''' issued a major reminder to health care providers nationwide that the adjective of pus is "purulent", not "p**sy."<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/03/cdc-purulent/ CDC: The Adjective of Pus is “Purulent,” Not “P**sy”(Gomerblog)]</ref> Unfortunately, the reminder had the opposite effect; as of September 18, 2016, the word "p**sy" is being said and documented in record levels.#On April 9, 2016, in response to the emerging threat of the Zika virus, the '''CDC''' implored mosquitoes to wear tiny condoms in order to control the spread.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/04/zika-virus/ CDC Urges Mosquitos to Wear Tiny Condoms to Fight Zika Virus(Gomerblog)]</ref> Mosquitoes have disregarded the '''CDC''' recommendation, stating that mosquito sex with tiny condoms "just doesn't feel the same."#On April 23, 2016, the '''CDC''' recommended that Robert De Niro be put in jail.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/04/anti-vax-de-niro-vaccine/ CDC Advises Robert De Niro to be Sent to Jail Until Deemed Safe(Gomerblog)]</ref> #On May 20, 2016, the '''CDC''' reported the discovery of a new virus that causes medical noncompliance, thus absolving patients from all the blame.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/05/virus-noncompliance/ CDC: Medical Noncompliance Actually Caused by Virus(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On May 25, 2016, the three wise monkeys supported the recent opioid guidelines released by the '''CDC''', stating, "See no Dilaudid, hear no Dilaudid, speak no Dilaudid."<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/05/three-wise-monkeys/ Three Wise Monkeys Support CDC Opioid Guidelines: “See No Dilaudid, Hear No Dilaudid, Speak No Dilaudid”(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On July 12, 2016, the '''CDC''' reminded Americans that those "feeling the burn" should get checked by a medical professional as it may not necessarily be a side effect of supporting Bernie Sanders for President.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/with-sanders-out-of-2016-race-cdc-urges-those-still-feeling-the-burn-to-seek-medical-care-immediately/ With Sanders Out of 2016 Race, CDC Urges Those Still “Feeling the Burn” to Seek Medical Care Immediately(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On July 24, 2016, the '''CDC''' recommended immediate cessation of all vaccination programs.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/vaccines-2/ Startling Report: CDC Recommends AGAINST Vaccinations, Anti-Vaxxers Now Demanding Their Right to Vaccinate(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On October 21, 2016, the '''CDC''' warned Americans that [[Man Buns|man buns]] harbor Zika virus and should avoid Urban Outfitters, Brooklyn, and hip coffee shops.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/10/man-buns/ CDC Warns Man Buns Harbor Zika Virus(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On October 24, 2016, the '''CDC''' issued recommendations to ignore patients with a pain score > 4, citing evidence from its task force on opioid abuse.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/10/ignore-patients-pain-4/ New CDC Recommendation: Ignore Patients with Pain > 4(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On November 22, 2016, the '''CDC''' reminded Americans on Thanksgiving that "“friends don’t let friends drive drunk on gravy" and issued a new blood gravy content chart.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/11/cdc-blood-gravy-content/ CDC Issues Blood Gravy Content Chart for Thanksgiving(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On February 1, 2017, the '''CDC''' threw in its two cents and told Americans that, if you can help it, you should avoid catching HIV or infections in general. Because, you know, they're bad.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/02/cdc-hiv/ CDC Recommends Against HIV, Infections in General(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On February 10, 2017, the '''CDC''' built upon the foundation laid by the recommendations they made earlier in the month and stated that they recommend against all human creatures, stating humans are "disgusting creatures" that only exist to spread disease and illness.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/02/cdc-human-interaction/ CDC Recommends Against All Human Interaction(Gomerblog)]</ref>#On March 15, 2017, the '''CDC''' put the practice of licking eyeballs to rest by formally recommended against it because "that is just totally disgusting."<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/03/cdc-licking-eyeballs/ CDC Recommends Against Licking Eyeballs(Gomerblog)]</ref>