Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (or the CDC) is a federal agency under the Department of Health and Human Services whose role is to undo the damage caused by the Centers for Disease Chaos and Promotion. (Those guys are such bastards.)


Location


Atlanta, Georgia, United States, North America, Western Hemisphere, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe.


Recent CDC Recommendations


  1. On November 18, 2013, the CDC was humbled when they traced a deadly carbapenem-resistant Enterobacteriaceae outbreak to a break room within the CDC infection control department.[1]
  2. On May 1, 2013, the CDC granted state governments the right to quarantine unvaccinated families in what was called Proposition 23.4.[2]
  3. On August 24, 2014, the CDC warned Americans about an emerging domestic threat called panniculolithiasis, a calcification on imaging ultimately found to be buried under a patient's pannus.[3]
  4. On October 16, 2014, the CDC responded to growing concerns about the Ebola virus by issuing a disease-containment algorithm called "For the Love of God, Just Burn Everything."[4] It was the first CDC guideline ecstatically endorsing the use of gasoline and matches.
  5. On October 22, 2014, the CDC discovered that a man from Raleigh, North Carolina contracted Ebola virus through a patient satisfaction survey.[5]
  6. On October 31, 2014, the CDC decided to deal with anti-vaxxers by funding a trip to "send every last one of them overseas.".[6] This was met with resounding approval from the medical establishment.
  7. On January 16, 2016, the CDC identified a new insect vector called the dry-humping bug.[7]
  8. On March 6, 2016, the CDC issued a major reminder to health care providers nationwide that the adjective of pus is "purulent", not "p**sy."[8] Unfortunately, the reminder had the opposite effect; as of September 18, 2016, the word "p**sy" is being said and documented in record levels.
  9. On April 9, 2016, in response to the emerging threat of the Zika virus, the CDC implored mosquitoes to wear tiny condoms in order to control the spread.[9] Mosquitoes have disregarded the CDC recommendation, stating that mosquito sex with tiny condoms "just doesn't feel the same."
  10. On April 23, 2016, the CDC recommended that Robert De Niro be put in jail.[10]
  11. On May 20, 2016, the CDC reported the discovery of a new virus that causes medical noncompliance, thus absolving patients from all the blame.[11]
  12. On May 25, 2016, the three wise monkeys supported the recent opioid guidelines released by the CDC, stating, "See no Dilaudid, hear no Dilaudid, speak no Dilaudid."[12]
  13. On July 12, 2016, the CDC reminded Americans that those "feeling the burn" should get checked by a medical professional as it may not necessarily be a side effect of supporting Bernie Sanders for President.[13]
  14. On July 24, 2016, the CDC recommended immediate cessation of all vaccination programs.[14]
  15. On October 21, 2016, the CDC warned Americans that man buns harbor Zika virus and should avoid Urban Outfitters, Brooklyn, and hip coffee shops.[15]
  16. On October 24, 2016, the CDC issued recommendations to ignore patients with a pain score > 4, citing evidence from its task force on opioid abuse.[16]
  17. On November 22, 2016, the CDC reminded Americans on Thanksgiving that "“friends don’t let friends drive drunk on gravy" and issued a new blood gravy content chart.[17]
  18. On February 1, 2017, the CDC threw in its two cents and told Americans that, if you can help it, you should avoid catching HIV or infections in general. Because, you know, they're bad.[18]
  19. On February 10, 2017, the CDC built upon the foundation laid by the recommendations they made earlier in the month and stated that they recommend against all human creatures, stating humans are "disgusting creatures" that only exist to spread disease and illness.[19]


Other News


  1. On February 8, 2017, the CDC announced they were not going to unveil their new CDC logo featuring Julio Jones in light of the Falcons' devastating loss in Super Bowl LI. The New England Journal of Medicine, however, would update to their logo to a picture of Bill Belichick.


References


  1. CDC Break Room Found to Be Culprit in New Bacterial Outbreak
  2. CDC Plans to Move and Quarantine Unvaccinated Families
  3. CDC Warns of Emerging Disease Deemed “Panniculolithiasis”
  4. CDC Releases Revised Ebola Management Policy for Healthcare Workers: Just Burn Everything
  5. CDC Confirms Ebola Transmitted Via Patient Satisfaction Surveys
  6. CDC to Fund Anti-Vaxxer Africa Trip
  7. CDC Warning: Dangerous “Dry Humping” Bug Found in Lower U.S.
  8. CDC: The Adjective of Pus is “Purulent,” Not “P**sy”
  9. CDC Urges Mosquitos to Wear Tiny Condoms to Fight Zika Virus
  10. CDC Advises Robert De Niro to be Sent to Jail Until Deemed Safe
  11. CDC: Medical Noncompliance Actually Caused by Virus
  12. Three Wise Monkeys Support CDC Opioid Guidelines: “See No Dilaudid, Hear No Dilaudid, Speak No Dilaudid”
  13. With Sanders Out of 2016 Race, CDC Urges Those Still “Feeling the Burn” to Seek Medical Care Immediately
  14. Startling Report: CDC Recommends AGAINST Vaccinations, Anti-Vaxxers Now Demanding Their Right to Vaccinate
  15. CDC Warns Man Buns Harbor Zika Virus
  16. New CDC Recommendation: Ignore Patients with Pain > 4
  17. CDC Issues Blood Gravy Content Chart for Thanksgiving
  18. CDC Recommends Against HIV, Infections in General
  19. CDC Recommends Against All Human Interaction



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