Super Bowl LI

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Super Bowl LI Shootout Logo.jpg

Super Bowl LI took place on February 5, 2017 in Houston, TX between the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots. The Patriots defeated the Falcons in dramatic fashion, winning 34-28 in overtime (OT), thereby ensuring anyone who watched the game was exhausted for work Monday morning and therefore compromised patient care.

Before the Game

In the weeks before Super Bowl LI, many experts predicted a shootout between the two teams given that the Falcons had the No. 1 ranked offense and the Patriots had the No. 4 ranked offense. Because of the numerous weapons at the disposal of both quarterbacks (or field generals, as George Carlin would more accurately suggest), such as short bullets, shotguns, and long bombs, emergency crews and trauma teams in the metro Houston area were on high alert and prepared for a potential bloodbath.[1] Falcons 37, Patriots 34 was Gomerblog's prediction for the final concussion count. Despite these concerns, health care professionals were excited about how the 51 in Super Bowl LI reminded them of what age they would finally pay off their respective debts.[2][3]

One hour before kickoff, the medical staff for both teams consulted Medicine to clear all players and coaches before the Super Bowl. Americans were thrilled when President George Bush and Barbara Bush were honorary guests, though the moment was ruined with Super Bowl referee Carl Cheffers accidentally aspirated the coin used during the coin toss.

The Game

The game was a tale of two halves.

The First Half

The Patriots got the ball first. Unfortunately, after an early 3 and out, the Patriots punted the ball to Medicine. The Patriots would struggle getting their offense going, while the Falcons played like they were on inotropes. The Falcons dominated the Patriots, taking a 21-3 lead into halftime. Gomerblog noted on their Twitter feed that the Patriots were "carrying the football like I carry my pager looking for any opportunity to give it away," while Bill Belichick "looks intense, taking notes, as if he's studying the Krebs cycle." As the score was teetering on the edge of a blowout, many Americans at Super Bowl parties took the opportunity to take to discuss more interesting topics like concussions or how both IBM Watson and the Fox NFL Robot were more useful than the Da Vinci surgical robot. At the conclusion of the first half, if you listened closely enough, you could hear everyone in America peeing at the same time.[4]

The Halftime Show

For the most part, Lady Gaga's halftime performance garnered positive reviews, though many still prefer the halftime show of Super Bowl XXXVIII when Justin Timberlake gave Janet Jackson a breast exam to spread breast cancer awareness. Many viewers mistook Lady Gaga's initial jumping off the roof of NRG Stadium a suicide attempt. Interns enjoyed the performance so much that were begging that nurses stop calling them. Gomerblog made several observations on Lady Gaga: (1) she was "crushing it... like the opposite of whatever the Patriots are doing," (2) that she was wonderfully understated "like a histrionic patient," and (3) she was flying higher than any amount of IV Dilaudid or IV Benadryl could ever bring.

The Second Half

Gomerblog Twitter Palliative Care.png

The Patriots remained lackadaisical for most of the 3rd quarter. The Falcons defense attacked the ball like nurses searching for graham crackers, while members of the Patriots secondary were being sidelined by an orthopods for broken ankles. Tom Brady kept getting sacked, which reminded Americans to examine their own sacks for any lumps, bumps, or deflation. Many were not surprised when Palliative Care was consulted with the Patriots down 21-0. The Falcons continued building their lead up to 25 points with a score of 28-3. Gomerblog thought they were smelling the changing of the guard, when it actually was just C. diff. The Patriots would score a touchdown to make it 28-9, though many felt that this drive was the equivalent of giving bicarb during a Code Blue.[5] Fortunately for Patriots Nation, Belichick & Brady remained Full Code and over the final 20 minutes of the game began the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history. The Pats offense would play with urgency (like a post-call resident trying to get the f**k out of the hospital) and dominate offensive possession, leading to the Falcons getting gassed and becoming injured. Falcons doctors took the opportunity to check every injured Falcons player's troponin. As for the Patriots, they were back in sinus rhythm and off of all drips. The Pats would tie it at 28-28, win on a touchdown drive in OT, thereby causing health care professionals to shout with pride, "GOMERS DON'T DIEEEEEE!!!!"[6][7]

After the Game

Still unable to process the defeat, members of the Falcons including Dan Quinn and Matt Ryan had only one plausible explanation: it was anesthesia's fault.[8] Short of that, there was no other reason to explain this ultimate of choke jobs.[9] As for any patients who showed up to the Emergency Room after holding out until after the game's finish, it might not be an emergency.[10]

Super Bowl Commercials

Fail. The prevailing sentiment was this: "Watching all these commercials to find the best one is like going through outside hospital records only to find nothing."

Fun Facts

  1. Did you know that every time the quarterback goes under center, he is actually examining the center's prostate?
  2. Did you know that the "LI" in Super Bowl LI actually stands for lithium not 51?

Gomerblog References

  1. Houston Trauma Teams Prepare for Deadly Super Bowl Shootout
  2. Debtflix: View School Debt On-Demand Anytime, Anywhere
  3. Operating Room Swear Jars Set to Pay Down National Debt by 2018
  4. Forgot-to-Pee Syndrome Afflicting Millions of Health Care Workers
  5. ICU Team Figures Out What Their Code Needs: More Bicarb!
  6. CME: Do You Know the Laws of the House of God?
  7. 2016 Updated Laws of the House of God
  8. Falcons Blame Super Bowl Loss on Anesthesia
  9. Study: Heimlich Maneuver Not Effective on Choking Athletes
  10. Is Your "Medical Emergency" Really an Emergency?

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