Patient Satisfaction Survey

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A patient satisfaction survey is an evil survey that measures the extent to which patients are content with their care. Patient satisfaction surveys operate on the assumption that the patient is always right... HAHAHAHAHAHA. Hilarious. High patient satisfaction survey ratings are associated with overprescribing and overtesting. But that's neither here nor there. It's not like health care practitioners spend several years of intense school and training or anything.

Who Distributes Surveys

There are many companies that distribute patient satisfaction surveys, but Press Ganey is the most well-known. And hated. More so than Al Qaeda, who claimed responsibility for Prest Ganey patient satisfaction surveys back in February 2015.[1]

Responses to Patient Satisfaction

The usefulness of patient satisfaction surveys has been in question ever since their introduction. Over time, health care providers and hospitals accepted that patient satisfaction surveys were here to stay, so decided to play the game even though they hated the game.

Figure 7
  1. On March 25, 2014, Our Lady of the Way Hospital in Portland, Oregon found that Eastern medicine-inspired stroke protocols led to improved patient satisfaction scores.[2]
  2. On April 24, 2014, it was clear that Press Ganey scores were not being looked upon favorably. Medical staff at Mercy Hospital in Chicago believed that the hospital was taking patient satisfaction survey scores way to seriously. The pendulum had swung so far away that there was even talk at the time of allowing patients to sell drugs from their ICU beds.[3] It was eventually approved. "Anything that improves the scores must be a good thing," said the anonymous CEO of Mercy Hospital, which is silly since there's only one CEO at Mercy Hospital.
  3. On June 20, 2014, a health care practitioner-led proposal passed in the Illinois legislature that effective linked hospital CEO pay with employee satisfaction survey scores in order to restore the balance of power.[4]
  4. On August 2, 2014, a rival to Press Ganey called Prezz Ganey conducted a study that examined the effects of high patient satisfaction survey scores and found that patients in the survey group demonstrated a 238% increase in mortality and a 146% increase in morbidity over the 10-year study period. In the study, the authors explained that "counterintuitive to many other aspects in life, satisfaction in medical care does not always equate to improved care. As a matter of fact, it may be detrimental to one's health."[5][6]
  5. On September 2, 2014, patient satisfaction surveys got under the skin of Doc Vader, who posted a video of his tirade.[7]
  6. On October 15, 2014, Heart of the Valley Hospital in Reno, Nevada asked brothel workers for input in order to bolster survey scores. Feedback included red mood lighting, velour animal print for the rooms, bar in the emergency department to get patients in the mood, and a little Barry White.[8]
  7. On October 22, 2014, the Centers for Disease Control discovered that patient Charles Hankford acquired the Ebola virus through a patient satisfaction survey. As a result, the use of patient satisfaction surveys was suspended in favor of incinerating them.[9]
  8. On January 15, 2015, medical staff at New York Medical Center went on the offensive and released health care practitioner satisfaction surveys in order to even the scales. Patients who were received low scores on these surveys found the feedback "humbling."[10]
  9. On January 28, 2015, staff from three departments - Emergency, Surgery, and Internal Medicine - were chastised since their patient satisfaction surveys weren't up to par with the Labor & Delivery floor, where patients were full of joy welcoming an adorable child into the world.[11] Staff tried to convince hospital administrators that comparing to life-altering traumatic injury with a newborn baby wasn't fair, but the arguments fell on deaf ears.
  10. On January 30, 2015, children were devastated when Doc McStuffins was not renewed for a new season after her patient satisfaction surveys failed to reveal any "excellent" ratings. The empty slot was filled by Adam McBriefcase, the animated hospital administrator who fired her.[12]
  11. On March 21, 2015, 23,000 hospitalized patients were polled to determine what factors are associated with a high Press Ganey score. The results are show in Figure 7.
  12. On April 17, 2015, a rival to Press Ganey named Prezz Gainey released administration satisfaction surveys (or ASS) that made sure to keep the essence of patient satisfaction surveys by being a superficial and oversimplified metric that were "meticulously calibrated to correlate inversely with clinical outcomes and efficient allocation of resources."[13]
  13. On April 19, 2015, a study in the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that Dilaudid is directly correlated with high patient satisfaction scores while Narcan administration was associated with an immediate drop off.[14] As of September 13, 2016, hospital administrators nationwide are petitioning for the discontinuation of Narcan in order to maintain what's important: those high scores.
  14. On May 13, 2015, emergency medical crews in North Carolina started to deliver and collect patient satisfaction surveys, ranking this as their number one priority, way ahead of patient care.[15] As of September 13, 2016, patient morbidity and mortality has skyrocketed while patient satisfaction survey responses have increased by 5%. Administrators are happy with the increase and have no plans to shut down the EMS patient satisfaction survey transport service.
  15. On May 22, 2015, Long Island administrator Michael Brown hired a psychic in order to contact deceased patients and administer surveys with a particular focus on the "satisfaction with the pathologist and with the autopsy procedure in general."[16] Unfortunately, the surveys backfired, with decreased patients disapproving of, among many things, "the part where they cut me open and took out all my organs."
  16. On June 6, 2015, Our Lady of Chronic Narcotic Dependence in Cary, North Carolina hoped to boost patient satisfaction scores by mandating that (1) patient baths end with a "happy ending" and (2) turkey sandwiches were designed by Wolfgang Puck.[17]
  17. On July 22, 2015, Gomerblog reported that a hospital in Columbia, South Carolina was fitting patients with mood rings such as to give medical providers with real-time feedback into patient satisfaction. By allowing feedback on the fly, health care practitioners were in a better position to overtest and overprescribe in order to ensure that patient satisfaction scores were satisfactory.[18]
  18. On September 1, 2015, hospital administrator Chaz Moneybags had gotten so used to patient satisfaction surveys that he asked his sexual partner to fill out a survey out of habit.[19]
  19. On November 11, 2015, Lord Have Mercy Hospital created a Rapid Satisfaction Team to ensure that high Press Ganey scores were achieved with speed and efficiency, irrespective of standards or appropriateness of care.[20]
  20. On November 17, 2015, a Seattle Radiology department decided to replace the radioactive tracer-labeled fried eggs on gastric emptying studies with radioactive tracer-labeled Cinnabon, which has subsequently led to an increase in patient satisfaction scores and new-onset diabetes.[21]
  21. On January 27, 2016, Nurse Tara Noluck fell victim to low patient satisfaction scores despite the fact they were filled out by schizophrenics' voices.[22]
  22. On February 26, 2016, the decreased quality of life among administrators including CEOs led to the creation of CEO-specific administrator satisfaction surveys, stating that to truly to make a difference in medicine "we need to understand the people whose opinion matters most!"[23]

The Future of Surveys

Health care providers are fed up with patient satisfaction surveys. Many good providers are leaving health care entirely. There are rumors circulating that the remaining providers are working closely with Navy SEAL Team Six in order to neutralize Press Ganey, Gallup, and any other patient satisfaction entity that poses a threat to evidenced-based medicine.

Additional Topics


  1. Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Patient Satisfaction Surveys
  2. Eastern Medicine Inspired Stroke Protocol Saves Millions in Health Care Costs, Improves Patient Satisfaction Scores
  3. Hospital Taking Patient Satisfaction Scores Way Too Seriously
  4. Doctors and Nurses Fight Back: Proposal to Link Hospital CEO Salaries to Employee Satisfaction Passes Senate
  5. Patient Satisfaction Survey Study Halted, Mortality Increased 238% with Patient Satisfaction
  6. Why Rating Your Doctor is Bad for Your Health
  7. Doc Vader Vs. Patient Satisfaction Scores
  8. Brothel Workers Consulted in Patient Satisfaction Project
  9. CDC Confirms Ebola Transmitted Via Patient Satisfaction Surveys
  10. Nurses, Doctors Fight Back with New Health Care Practitioner Satisfaction Surveys
  11. Hospital Administrators Chastise Emergency, Surgical & Medical Staff for Patient Satisfaction Scores Lagging Behind L&D
  12. Doc McStuffins Forced to Resign Due to Dismal Patient Satisfaction Scores
  13. Prezz-Gainey Releases Hospital Administrator Satisfaction Survey
  14. Study: Dilaudid Administration Directly Correlates with High Patient Satisfaction; Narcan Not So Much
  15. EMS Now Being Dispatched to Transport Satisfaction Surveys‏
  16. Hospital Hires Psychic to Track Pathologists’ Patient Satisfaction
  17. New Patient Satisfaction Initiative Mandates That All Patient Baths Have “Happy Ending”
  18. Mood Rings Reflect Real Time Patient Satisfaction
  19. Hospital Administrator Gives Partner Post-Coital Satisfaction Survey Out Of Habit
  20. After Rapid Response, Hospital Administration Organizes Rapid Satisfaction Team
  21. ‘Nuclear Cinnabon’ Improves Radiology Department’s Patient Satisfaction Scores
  22. Schizophrenics’ Voices Get To Fill Out Patient Satisfaction Forms
  23. New Study Finds Hospital CEO Pay Linked to CEO Satisfaction

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