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'''Medical History'''
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There is not much known about the [[Medical History|medical history]] of '''McConnell''' but anything we do know is thanks to the undercover work of both ''The Onion'' and Andy Borowitz of ''The New Yorker''.
#''Neuro'' - '''McConnell''' has always been a medical mystery: he can walk upright despite anatomically lacking the supportive structure of the axial skeleton known as a spine.<ref>[http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/scientists-baffled-by-mcconnell-and-ryans-ability-to-stand-upright-without-spines Scientists Baffled by McConnell and Ryan’s Ability to Stand Upright Without Spines (The Borowitz Report)]</ref> According to Borowitz's reporting, fear is what is keeping him from collapsing into a gelatinous mass on the Senate floor. This may also explain another neurologic observation about '''McConnell''': any time he ambulates or sits, he is always found leaning to the right. Neurologists have not ruled out the possibility of a right cerebellar lesion.#''ENT'' - Unlike other senators or human beings, '''McConnell''' has an impressive neck pouch that he inflates to remind everyone of his male dominant role as Senate Majority Leader.<ref>[http://www.theonion.com/graphic/mitch-mcconnell-inflates-throat-pouch-in-show-of-d-34747 Mitch McConnell Inflates Throat Pouch In Show Of Dominance Over Fellow Congressional Males (The Onion)]</ref>#''GI'' - Before his revised health care plan was revealed, '''McConnell''' was suffering from recurrent [[Dypshagia|dysphagia]] and [[Odynophagia|odynophagia]] from repeatedly shoving his bill into his mouth any time a Democrat walked nearby. Thankfully, he was able to tolerate liquid formulations of any legislation to remain hydrated.<ref>[http://www.theonion.com/article/panicking-mitch-mcconnell-shoves-entire-senate-hea-56289 Panicking Mitch McConnell Shoves Entire Senate Healthcare Bill Into Mouth As Democrat Walks Past (The Onion)]</ref>
#''Heme'' - '''McConnell''' has a finicky immune system that is dependent upon a white-vote count of greater than 50 to survive. In the event his white-vote count plummets to below 50, '''McConnell''' succumbs to mixed septic and legislative shock, landing him at Walter Reed Army Medical Center for evaluation and management.<ref>[http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/mitch-mcconnell-hospitalized-with-low-white-vote-count Mitch McConnell Hospitalized with Low White-Vote Count (The Borowitz Report)]</ref> '''McConnell''' remains a [[Full Code]], but his revised health care law has been made [[DNR]].