Mitch McConnell

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McConnell is the one on the left, ironically

Mitch McConnell is a United States Senator from the state of Kentucky. He is a member of the Republican Party and has been the Senate Majority Leader since January 3, 2015.[1] During his spare time, he likes to dress up as Batman and visit sick children.[2]

Medical History

There is not much known about the medical history of McConnell but anything we do know is thanks to the undercover work of both The Onion and Andy Borowitz of The New Yorker.

  1. Neuro - McConnell has always been a medical mystery: he can walk upright despite anatomically lacking the supportive structure of the axial skeleton known as a spine.[3] According to Borowitz's reporting, fear is what is keeping him from collapsing into a gelatinous mass on the Senate floor. This may also explain another neurologic observation about McConnell: any time he ambulates or sits, he is always found leaning to the right. Neurologists have not ruled out the possibility of a cerebellar lesion.
  2. ENT - Unlike other senators or human beings, McConnell has an impressive neck pouch that he inflates to remind everyone of his male dominant role as Senate Majority Leader.[4] This has come in handy for McConnell who hasn't been able to assert his dominance vocally after his vocal cords were severed in 2016 to prevent himself from holding a hearing on Justice Scalia's successor during the end of President Obama's tenure.[5]
  3. GI - Before his revised health care plan was revealed, McConnell was suffering from recurrent dysphagia and odynophagia from repeatedly shoving his bill into his mouth any time a Democrat walked nearby. Thankfully, he was able to tolerate liquid formulations of any legislation to remain hydrated.[6]
  4. Heme - McConnell has a finicky immune system that is dependent upon a white-vote count of greater than 50 to survive. In the event his white-vote count plummets to below 50, McConnell succumbs to mixed septic and legislative shock, landing him at Walter Reed Army Medical Center for evaluation and management.[7] McConnell remains a Full Code, but his revised health care law has been made DNR.

Related Topics


  1. New Attending Receives First Paycheck, Transforms into Fully Developed Republican (Gomerblog)
  2. Beautiful! When This 7-Year-Old Boy Could No Longer Afford Treatment For His Brain Tumor, Mitch McConnell Dressed Up As Batman And Wheeled Him Out Of The Hospital (ClickHole)
  3. Scientists Baffled by McConnell and Ryan’s Ability to Stand Upright Without Spines (The Borowitz Report)
  4. Mitch McConnell Inflates Throat Pouch In Show Of Dominance Over Fellow Congressional Males (The Onion)
  5. Mitch McConnell Has Hands, Vocal Cords Removed To Prevent Self From Holding Hearing On Scalia Replacement (The Onion)
  6. Panicking Mitch McConnell Shoves Entire Senate Healthcare Bill Into Mouth As Democrat Walks Past (The Onion)
  7. Mitch McConnell Hospitalized with Low White-Vote Count (The Borowitz Report)

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