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[[File:President Barack Obama meets with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky. in the Oval Office, Dec. 3, 2014.jpg|450px|thumb|right|''McConnell is the one on the left, ironically'']]
'''Mitch McConnell'''' is a United States Senator from the state of [[KY Jelly|Kentucky]]. He is a member of the [http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/first-paycheck-republican/ Republican Party] and has been the Senate Majority Leader since January 3, 2015.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/first-paycheck-republican/ New Attending Receives First Paycheck, Transforms into Fully Developed Republican (Gomerblog)]</ref> During his spare time, he likes to dress up as Batman and visit sick children.<ref>[http://www.clickhole.com/article/beautiful-when-7-year-old-boy-could-no-longer-affo-6296 Beautiful! When This 7-Year-Old Boy Could No Longer Afford Treatment For His Brain Tumor, Mitch McConnell Dressed Up As Batman And Wheeled Him Out Of The Hospital (ClickHole)]</ref>
'''Medical History'''
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There is not much known about the [[Medical History|medical history]] of '''McConnell''' but anything we do know is thanks to the undercover work of both ''The Onion'' and Andy Borowitz of ''The New Yorker's'' Andy Borowitz.
#''Neuro'' - '''McConnell''' has always been a medical mystery: he can walk upright despite anatomically lacking the supportive structure of the axial skeleton known as a spine.<ref>[http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/scientists-baffled-by-mcconnell-and-ryans-ability-to-stand-upright-without-spines Scientists Baffled by McConnell and Ryan’s Ability to Stand Upright Without Spines (The Borowitz Report)]</ref> According to Borowitz's reporting, fear is what is keeping him from collapsing into a gelatinous mass on the Senate floor. This may also explain another neurologic observation about '''McConnell''': any time he ambulates or sits, he is always found leaning to the right. Neurologists have not ruled out the possibility of a right cerebellar lesion.#''ENT'' - Unlike other senators or human beings, '''McConnell''' has an impressive neck pouch that he inflates to remind everyone of his male dominant role as Senate Majority Leader.<ref>[http://www.theonion.com/graphic/mitch-mcconnell-inflates-throat-pouch-in-show-of-d-34747 Mitch McConnell Inflates Throat Pouch In Show Of Dominance Over Fellow Congressional Males (The Onion)]</ref> This has come in handy for '''McConnell''' who hasn't been able to assert his dominance vocally after his vocal cords were severed in 2016 to prevent himself from holding a hearing on Justice Scalia's successor during the end of President Obama's tenure.<ref>[http://www.theonion.com/article/mitch-mcconnell-has-hands-vocal-cords-removed-prev-52385 Mitch McConnell Has Hands, Vocal Cords Removed To Prevent Self From Holding Hearing On Scalia Replacement (The Onion)]</ref>#''GI'' - Before his revised health care plan was revealed, '''McConnell''' was suffering from recurrent [[Dysphagia|dysphagia]] and [[Odynophagia|odynophagia]] from repeatedly shoving his bill into his mouth any time a Democrat walked nearby. Thankfully, he was able to tolerate liquid formulations of any legislation to remain hydrated.<ref>[http://www.theonion.com/article/panicking-mitch-mcconnell-shoves-entire-senate-hea-56289 Panicking Mitch McConnell Shoves Entire Senate Healthcare Bill Into Mouth As Democrat Walks Past (The Onion)]</ref>
#''Heme'' - '''McConnell''' has a finicky immune system that is dependent upon a white-vote count of greater than 50 to survive. In the event his white-vote count plummets to below 50, '''McConnell''' succumbs to mixed septic and legislative shock, landing him at Walter Reed Army Medical Center for evaluation and management.<ref>[http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/mitch-mcconnell-hospitalized-with-low-white-vote-count Mitch McConnell Hospitalized with Low White-Vote Count (The Borowitz Report)]</ref> '''McConnell''' remains a [[Full Code]], but his revised health care law has been made [[DNR]].
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* [[Allergic Ryanitis]]
* [[Affordable Care ActReplacement Plan]]
* [[American]]
* [[American Health Care Act]]
* [[Canadian Health Care Act]]
* [[Conservative Management]]
* [[Donald Trump]]
* [[Procainamide]]
* [[Liberal Transfusion Strategy]]
* [[Preamble to the U.S. Constitution]]
* [[Trickle-Down Theory]]
* [[Veteranarian]]