Difference between revisions of "July Intern"
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| − | [[File:Young Male Doctor.jpg| | + | [[File:Young Male Doctor.jpg|300px|thumb|left|''"I bet you can't tell that I just cried in the call room!"'']] |
| − | + | A '''July intern''' is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other [[Word Salad|words]], a '''July intern''' is a [http://gomerblog.com/2015/10/medical-student-deer/ deer in headlights] except less likely to survive. The goal of a '''July intern''' is to survive. The goal of patients under the care of a '''July intern''' is to survive as well. | |
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| − | A '''July intern''' is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other [[Word Salad|words]], a '''July intern''' is a [http://gomerblog.com/2015/10/medical-student-deer/ deer in headlights] except less likely to survive. The goal of a '''July intern''' is to survive | ||
'''Characteristics of a July Intern''' | '''Characteristics of a July Intern''' | ||
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| − | Though the initial few moments of a '''July intern's''' day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/medicine-intern/ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern | + | Though the initial few moments of a '''July intern's''' day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/medicine-intern/ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern]</ref> For one, the downfall starts when a '''July intern''' first gets lost within the [[Hospital|hospital]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/residency-programs-2/ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells]</ref> A '''July intern''' may further be rattled by a [[Code Blue]] for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a [[Supply Closet|supply closet]] or suck one's thumb.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-intern/ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb]</ref> By mid-morning, a '''July intern''' does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: [[CP|chest pain]], [[SOB|shortness of breath]], [[Palpitations|palpitations]], [[Abdominal Pain|abdominal pain]], nausea, [[Vomicking|vomiting]], urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/intern-cant-hold-pee/ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self]</ref> Dehydration is very common among '''July interns''' due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/crying-july-1st-interns-spotted/ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/03/burnout/ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout]</ref> Do not surprised if a '''July intern''' turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/08/intern-asking-just-one-hug/ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug”]</ref> It also during this very first month that '''July interns''' - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the [[Cafeteria|cafeteria]] is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]]. |
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'''The Difference Between a July Intern and a June Intern''' | '''The Difference Between a July Intern and a June Intern''' | ||
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| − | This is best summarized here: [http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/june-vs-july-interns/ July vs. June Interns]. | + | This is best summarized here: [http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/june-vs-july-interns/ July vs. June Interns]. |
'''Impact on Society''' | '''Impact on Society''' | ||
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| − | The influence of '''July interns''' on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on [[July]], the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/06/decreases-mortality/ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000% | + | The influence of '''July interns''' on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on [[July]], the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/06/decreases-mortality/ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%]</ref> In the event an 11-month calendar cannot be created, nurses are often seen fleeing the healthcare system in record numbers under the guise of vacation leave.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-vacation/ July Interns Forcing Nurses to Take July Vacation in Record Numbers]</ref> |
[[File:Charmin TP Sales.jpg|400px|thumb|right|''Figure 351'']] | [[File:Charmin TP Sales.jpg|400px|thumb|right|''Figure 351'']] | ||
| − | However, one sector of the economy does benefit from '''July interns''': the toilet paper industry. The act of '''July interns''' sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses | + | However, one sector of the economy does benefit from '''July interns''': the toilet paper industry. The act of '''July interns''' sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/charmin-expects-summer-profits/ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves]</ref> See Figure 351. |
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'''Advice to Patients''' | '''Advice to Patients''' | ||
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| − | + | Stay at home until [[2016 Revised Fall Precautions|autumn]]. | |
'''Advice to July Interns''' | '''Advice to July Interns''' | ||
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| − | + | Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally. Other than [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]]. | |
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Revision as of 15:48, 7 October 2016
A July intern is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other words, a July intern is a deer in headlights except less likely to survive. The goal of a July intern is to survive. The goal of patients under the care of a July intern is to survive as well.
Characteristics of a July Intern
Though the initial few moments of a July intern's day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.[1] For one, the downfall starts when a July intern first gets lost within the hospital.[2] A July intern may further be rattled by a Code Blue for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a supply closet or suck one's thumb.[3] By mid-morning, a July intern does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: chest pain, shortness of breath, palpitations, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.[4] Dehydration is very common among July interns due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.[5][6] Do not surprised if a July intern turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.[7] It also during this very first month that July interns - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the cafeteria is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of graham crackers.
The Difference Between a July Intern and a June Intern
This is best summarized here: July vs. June Interns.
Impact on Society
The influence of July interns on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on July, the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.[8] In the event an 11-month calendar cannot be created, nurses are often seen fleeing the healthcare system in record numbers under the guise of vacation leave.[9]
However, one sector of the economy does benefit from July interns: the toilet paper industry. The act of July interns sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses.[10] See Figure 351.
Advice to Patients
Stay at home until autumn.
Advice to July Interns
Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally. Other than graham crackers.
References
- ↑ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern
- ↑ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells
- ↑ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb
- ↑ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self
- ↑ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted
- ↑ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout
- ↑ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug”
- ↑ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%
- ↑ July Interns Forcing Nurses to Take July Vacation in Record Numbers
- ↑ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves
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