July Intern
A July intern is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other words, a July intern is a deer in headlights except less likely to survive. The goal of a July intern is to survive. The goal of patients under the care of a July intern is to survive as well.
Characteristics of a July Intern
Though the initial few moments of a July intern's day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.[1] For one, the downfall starts when a July intern first gets lost within the hospital.[2] A July intern may further be rattled by a Code Blue for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a supply closet or suck one's thumb.[3] By mid-morning, a July intern does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: chest pain, shortness of breath, palpitations, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.[4] Dehydration is very common among July interns due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.[5][6] Do not surprised if a July intern turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.[7] It also during this very first month that July interns - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the cafeteria is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of graham crackers.
The Difference Between a July Intern and a June Intern
This is best summarized here: July vs. June Interns.
Impact on Society
The influence of July interns on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on July, the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.[8] In the event an 11-month calendar cannot be created, nurses are often seen fleeing the healthcare system in record numbers under the guise of vacation leave.[9]
However, one sector of the economy does benefit from July interns: the toilet paper industry. The act of July interns sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses.[10] See Figure 351.
Advice to Patients
Stay at home until autumn.
Advice to July Interns
Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally. Other than graham crackers.
References
- ↑ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern
- ↑ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells
- ↑ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb
- ↑ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self
- ↑ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted
- ↑ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout
- ↑ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug”
- ↑ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%
- ↑ July Interns Forcing Nurses to Take July Vacation in Record Numbers
- ↑ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves
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