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A '''patient satisfaction survey''' is an evil survey that measures the extent to which patients are content with their care. '''Patient satisfaction surveys''' operate on the assumption that the patient is always right... HAHAHAHAHAHA. Hilarious. High '''patient satisfaction survey ''' ratings are associated with overprescribing and overtesting. But that's neither here nor there. It's not like health care practitioners spend several years of intense school and training or anything.
[[File:Factors for High Press Ganey Scores.jpg|350px|thumb|left|''Figure 7'']]
# On March 25, 2014, Our Lady of the Way Hospital in Portland, Oregon found that Eastern medicine-inspired stroke protocols led to improved patient satisfaction scores.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/03/stroke-protocol/ Eastern Medicine Inspired Stroke Protocol Saves Millions in Health Care Costs, Improves Patient Satisfaction Scores]</ref># On April 24, 2014, it was clear that Press Ganey scores were not being looked upon favorably. Medical staff at Mercy Hospital in Chicago believed that the hospital was taking '''patient satisfaction survey''' scores way to seriously. The pendulum had swung so far away that there was even talk at the time of allowing patients to sell drugs from their ICU beds.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/04/patient-satisfaction/ Hospital Taking Patient Satisfaction Scores Way Too Seriously]</ref> It was eventually approved. "Anything that improves the scores must be a good thing," said the anonymous [[CEO]] of Mercy Hospital, which is silly since there's only one CEO at Mercy Hospital.# On June 20, 2014, a health care practitioner-led proposal passed in the Illinois legislature that effective linked hospital [[CEO]] pay with employee satisfaction survey scores in order to restore the balance of power.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/06/salary/ Doctors and Nurses Fight Back: Proposal to Link Hospital CEO Salaries to Employee Satisfaction Passes Senate]</ref># On August 2, 2014, a rival to Press Ganey called Prezz Ganey conducted a study that examined the effects of high '''patient satisfaction survey" ''' scores and found that patients in the survey group demonstrated a 238% increase in mortality and a 146% increase in morbidity over the 10-year study period. In the study, the authors explained that "counterintuitive to many other aspects in life, satisfaction in medical care does not always equate to improved care. As a matter of fact, it may be detrimental to one's health."<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/08/patient-satisfaction-2/ Patient Satisfaction Survey Study Halted, Mortality Increased 238% with Patient Satisfaction]</ref><ref>[http://www.forbes.com/sites/kaifalkenberg/2013/01/02/why-rating-your-doctor-is-bad-for-your-health/#4c0d36552f15 Why Rating Your Doctor is Bad for Your Health]</ref>
# On September 2, 2014, '''patient satisfaction surveys''' got under the skin of [http://zdoggmd.com/doc-vader-vs-hospital-administrator/ Doc Vader, who posted a video of his tirade].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/09/doc-vader-vs-patient-satisfaction-scores/ Doc Vader Vs. Patient Satisfaction Scores]</ref>
# On October 15, 2014, Heart of the Valley Hospital in Reno, Nevada asked brothel workers for input in order to bolster survey scores. Feedback included red mood lighting, velour animal print for the rooms, bar in the emergency department to get patients in the mood, and a little Barry White.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/10/patient-satisfaction-3/ Brothel Workers Consulted in Patient Satisfaction Project]</ref>
# On October 22, 2014, the Centers for Disease Control discovered that patient Charles Hankford acquired the Ebola virus through a '''patient satisfaction survey'''. As a result, the use of '''patient satisfaction surveys''' was suspended in favor of incinerating them.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/10/cdc-ebola-2/ CDC Confirms Ebola Transmitted Via Patient Satisfaction Surveys]</ref>
# On January 15, 2015, medical staff at New York Medical Center went on the offensive and released health care practitioner satisfaction surveys in order to even the scales. Patients who were received low scores on these surveys found the feedback "humbling."<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/01/satisfaction-survey/ Nurses, Doctors Fight Back with New Health Care Practitioner Satisfaction Surveys]</ref>
# On January 28, 2015, staff from three departments - Emergency, Surgery, and Internal Medicine - were [[Number Needed to Chastise (NNC)|chastised]] since their '''patient satisfaction surveys''' weren't up to par with the Labor & Delivery floor, where patients were full of joy welcome their first welcoming an adorable child into the world.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/01/patient-satisfaction-scores/ Hospital Administrators Chastise Emergency, Surgical & Medical Staff for Patient Satisfaction Scores Lagging Behind L&D]</ref> Staff tried to convince hospital administrators that comparing to life-altering traumatic injury with a newborn baby wasn't fair, but the arguments fell on deaf [[Anatomy of the Ear|ears]].# On January 30, 2015, children were devastated when [[Doc McStuffins|Doc McStuffins]] was not renewed for a new season after her '''patient satisfaction surveys''' lacked failed to show reveal any "excellent" ratings. The empty slot was filled by Adam McBriefcase, the animated hospital administrator who fired her.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/01/doc-mcstuffins/ Doc McStuffins Forced to Resign Due to Dismal Patient Satisfaction Scores]</ref>
# On March 21, 2015, 23,000 hospitalized patients were polled to determine what factors are associated with a high Press Ganey score. The results are show in Figure 7.
# On April 17, 2015, a rival to Press Ganey named Prezz Gainey released [[Administration Administrator Satisfaction Survey|administration satisfaction surveys]] (or ASS) that made sure to keep the essence of '''patient satisfaction surveys''' by being a superficial and oversimplified metric that were "meticulously calibrated to correlate inversely with clinical outcomes and efficient allocation of resources."<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/04/hospital-administrator-survey/ Prezz-Gainey Releases Hospital Administrator Satisfaction Survey]</ref>
# On April 19, 2015, a study in the ''New England Journal of Medicine'' revealed that Dilaudid is directly correlated with high patient satisfaction scores while [[Narcan]] administration was associated with an immediate drop off.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/04/narcan/ Study: Dilaudid Administration Directly Correlates with High Patient Satisfaction; Narcan Not So Much]</ref> As of September 13, 2016, hospital administrators nationwide are petitioning for the discontinuation of Narcan in order to maintain what's important: those high scores.
# On May 13, 2015, emergency medical crews in North Carolina started to deliver and collect '''patient satisfaction surveys''', ranking this as their number one priority, way ahead of patient care.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/05/ems-now-being-dispatched/ EMS Now Being Dispatched to Transport Satisfaction Surveys]</ref> As of September 13, 2016, patient morbidity and mortality has skyrocketed while '''patient satisfaction survey''' responses have increased by 5%. Administrators are happy with the increase and have no plans to shut down the EMS '''patient satisfaction survey''' transport service.
# On May 22, 2015, Long Island administrator Michael Brown hired a psychic in order to contact deceased patients and administer '''patient satisfaction surveys''', with a particular focus on the "satisfaction with the pathologist and with the autopsy procedure in general."<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/05/patient-satisfaction-4/ Hospital Hires Psychic to Track Pathologists’ Patient Satisfaction]</ref> Unfortunately, the surveys backfired, with decreased patients disapproving of, among many things, "the part where they cut me open and took out all my organs."
# On June 6, 2015, Our Lady of Chronic Narcotic Dependence in Cary, North Carolina hoped to boost patient satisfaction scores by mandating that (1) patient baths end with a "happy ending" and (2) [[Turkey Sandwich|turkey sandwiches]] were designed by Wolfgang Puck.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/06/new-patient-satisfaction-initiative/ New Patient Satisfaction Initiative Mandates That All Patient Baths Have “Happy Ending”]</ref>
# On July 22, 2015, Gomerblog reported that a hospital in Columbia, South Carolina was fitting patients with mood rings such as to give medical providers with real-time feedback into patient satisfaction. By allowing feedback on the fly, health care practitioners were in a better position to overtest and overprescribe in order to ensure that patient satisfaction scores were satisfactory.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/mood-rings/ Mood Rings Reflect Real Time Patient Satisfaction]</ref>
# On September 1, 2015, hospital administrator Chaz Moneybags had gotten so used to '''patient satisfaction surveys''' that he asked his sexual partner to fill out a survey out of habit.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/09/hospital-administrator-2/ Hospital Administrator Gives Partner Post-Coital Satisfaction Survey Out Of Habit]</ref>
# On November 11, 2015, Lord Have Mercy Hospital created a Rapid Satisfaction Team to ensure that high Press Ganey scores were achieved with speed and efficiency, irrespective of standards or appropriateness of care.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/11/rapid-response-satisfaction-team/ After Rapid Response, Hospital Administration Organizes Rapid Satisfaction Team]</ref>
# On November 17, 2015, a Seattle Radiology department decided to replace the radioactive tracer-labelled labeled fried eggs on gastric emptying studies with radioactive tracer-labelled labeled [[Cinnabon]], which has subsequently led to an increase in patient satisfaction scores and new-onset diabetes.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/11/radiology-departments/ ‘Nuclear Cinnabon’ Improves Radiology Department’s Patient Satisfaction Scores]</ref>
# On January 27, 2016, Nurse Tara Noluck fell victim to low patient satisfaction scores despite the fact they were filled out by schizophrenics' voices.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/01/patient-satisfaction-forms/ Schizophrenics’ Voices Get To Fill Out Patient Satisfaction Forms]</ref>
# On February 26, 2016, the decreased quality of life among administrators including [[CEO|CEOs]] led to the creation of [[Administrator Satisfaction Survey|CEO-specific administrator satisfaction surveys]], stating that to truly to make a difference in medicine "we need to understand the people whose opinion matters most!"<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/02/hospital-ceo-pay/New Study Finds Hospital CEO Pay Linked to CEO Satisfaction]</ref> '''The Future of Surveys'''----Health care providers are fed up with '''patient satisfaction surveys'''. Many good providers are leaving health care entirely. There are rumors circulating that the remaining providers are working closely with Navy SEAL Team Six in order to neutralize Press Ganey, Gallup, and any other patient satisfaction entity that poses a threat to evidenced-based medicine. '''Additional Topics'''----* [[4HCS]]* [[(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction]]* [[The Four Habits Coding Scheme]]* [[HCAHPS]]* [[Hospital Consumer Assessment of Healthcare Providers and Systems]] * [[How to Lose a Malpractice Lawsuit in 10 Days]]* [[Is the patient always right?]]* [[Nice Patients]]
