Difference between revisions of "July Intern"
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| − | [[File:Young Male Doctor.jpg| | + | [[File:Young Male Doctor.jpg|300px|thumb|left|''"I bet you can't tell that I just cried in the call room!"'']] |
| − | + | A '''July intern''' is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other [[Word Salad|words]], a '''July intern''' is a [http://gomerblog.com/2015/10/medical-student-deer/ deer in headlights] except less likely to survive. The goal of a '''July intern''' is to survive. The goal of patients under the care of a '''July intern''' is to survive as well. | |
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| − | A '''July intern''' is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other [[Word Salad|words]], a '''July intern''' is a [http://gomerblog.com/2015/10/medical-student-deer/ deer in headlights] except less likely to survive. The goal of a '''July intern''' is to survive | ||
'''Characteristics of a July Intern''' | '''Characteristics of a July Intern''' | ||
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| − | Though the initial few moments of a '''July intern's''' day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/medicine-intern/ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern | + | Though the initial few moments of a '''July intern's''' day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/medicine-intern/ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern]</ref> For one, the downfall starts when a '''July intern''' first gets lost within the [[Hospital|hospital]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/residency-programs-2/ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells]</ref> A '''July intern''' may further be rattled by a [[Code Blue]] for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a [[Supply Closet|supply closet]] or suck one's thumb.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-intern/ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb]</ref> By mid-morning, a '''July intern''' does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: [[CP|chest pain]], [[SOB|shortness of breath]], [[Palpitations|palpitations]], [[Abdominal Pain|abdominal pain]], nausea, [[Vomicking|vomiting]], urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/intern-cant-hold-pee/ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self]</ref> Dehydration is very common among '''July interns''' due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/crying-july-1st-interns-spotted/ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/03/burnout/ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout]</ref> Do not surprised if a '''July intern''' turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/08/intern-asking-just-one-hug/ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug”]</ref> It also during this very first month that '''July interns''' - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the [[Cafeteria|cafeteria]] is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]]. |
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'''Impact on Society''' | '''Impact on Society''' | ||
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| − | The influence of '''July interns''' on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on [[July]], the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/06/decreases-mortality/ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000% | + | The influence of '''July interns''' on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on [[July]], the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/06/decreases-mortality/ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%]</ref> In the event an 11-month calendar cannot be created, nurses are often seen fleeing the healthcare system in record numbers under the guise of vacation leave.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-vacation/ July Interns Forcing Nurses to Take July Vacation in Record Numbers]</ref> |
[[File:Charmin TP Sales.jpg|400px|thumb|right|''Figure 351'']] | [[File:Charmin TP Sales.jpg|400px|thumb|right|''Figure 351'']] | ||
| − | However, one sector of the economy does benefit from '''July interns''': the toilet paper industry. The act of '''July interns''' sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses | + | However, one sector of the economy does benefit from '''July interns''': the toilet paper industry. The act of '''July interns''' sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/charmin-expects-summer-profits/ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves]</ref> See Figure 351. Market economists project that 2017 will be a big year for other industries as well: the tissue paper and [[2016 Code Constipation Algorithm|underwear]] industries. |
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'''Advice to Patients''' | '''Advice to Patients''' | ||
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| − | + | Stay at home until [[2016 Revised Fall Precautions|autumn]]. | |
'''Advice to July Interns''' | '''Advice to July Interns''' | ||
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| − | + | Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally. Other than [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]]. | |
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Revision as of 15:51, 7 October 2016
A July intern is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other words, a July intern is a deer in headlights except less likely to survive. The goal of a July intern is to survive. The goal of patients under the care of a July intern is to survive as well.
Characteristics of a July Intern
Though the initial few moments of a July intern's day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.[1] For one, the downfall starts when a July intern first gets lost within the hospital.[2] A July intern may further be rattled by a Code Blue for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a supply closet or suck one's thumb.[3] By mid-morning, a July intern does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: chest pain, shortness of breath, palpitations, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.[4] Dehydration is very common among July interns due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.[5][6] Do not surprised if a July intern turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.[7] It also during this very first month that July interns - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the cafeteria is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of graham crackers.
The Difference Between a July Intern and a June Intern
This is best summarized here: July vs. June Interns. It can be best summarized as "July interns stink and June interns are better."
Impact on Society
The influence of July interns on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on July, the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.[8] In the event an 11-month calendar cannot be created, nurses are often seen fleeing the healthcare system in record numbers under the guise of vacation leave.[9]
However, one sector of the economy does benefit from July interns: the toilet paper industry. The act of July interns sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses.[10] See Figure 351. Market economists project that 2017 will be a big year for other industries as well: the tissue paper and underwear industries.
Advice to Patients
Stay at home until autumn.
Advice to July Interns
Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally. Other than graham crackers.
References
- ↑ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern
- ↑ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells
- ↑ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb
- ↑ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self
- ↑ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted
- ↑ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout
- ↑ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug”
- ↑ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%
- ↑ July Interns Forcing Nurses to Take July Vacation in Record Numbers
- ↑ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves
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