Difference between revisions of "Bacon"

Revision as of 04:17, 8 February 2017

Bacon is a modern marvel full of fat and meaty goodness. If dogs didn't exist, then bacon would be man's best friend.

Denial

Denial is rooted in Americans' deep love affair with bacon. It's deeper than deep: it's illicit.^[1] As a result, Americans' happily ignore the several unfortunate reasons why bacon is so unhealthy: high sodium, high cholesterol, high monounsaturated fat, and high nitrates. I mean, yeah, those are all terrible reasons to eat bacon, but ... have you TASTED bacon?! It's so f**king tasty!!!

Acceptance

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Over the past decade, with the appearance of artisanal bacon and bacon-wrapped anything, Americans and, in particular, health care professionals have accepted a basic truth about the universe: bacon is both unhealthy and transcendant. This is also known as the duality of bacon. When Thomas Jefferson remarked "We hold these truths to be self-evident," he was referring to this dual nature of bacon. So rather than tell patients to give up bacon, health care professionals have taken the opposite approach: give them more of it. Because of this new medical mantra, both acute bacon withdrawal and low Glasgow Food Coma Scale scores have dramatically declined, which has saved the health care system over $50 billion in costs.^[2][3]

Bacon in Healthcare: Current Times

No point illustrates how healthcare has embraced bacon better than the invention of bacon-eluting stents.^[4] The American College of Cardiology and American Heart Association spearheaded research looking into the creation of these stents. Patient satisfaction surveys revealed that what patients considered favorably were associated with higher mortality rates.^[5] Cardiologists became okay with the fact that patients were killing themselves, and thus invented the bacon-eluting stent.

Bacon in Healthcare: The Future

Many experts believe modern medicine is entering into a interventional bacon renaissance. Below is a partial list of bacon instruments in the works:

1. Baconoscope
2. Bacon-wrapped stethoscope
3. Sphygmobacometer
4. Baconolytics

References

1. ↑ 9 Unfortunate Truths About Juicy, Scrumptious Bacon
2. ↑ 2015 ACLS Bacon Withdrawal Algorithm
3. ↑ Amidst Obesity Epidemic, Task Force Creates Glasgow Food Coma Scale
4. ↑ Cardiologists Now Deploying Bacon-Eluting Stents
5. ↑ Patient Satisfaction Survey Study Halted, Mortality Increased 238% with Patient Satisfaction

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