Difference between revisions of "Battle of Malnutrition"

Revision as of 03:17, 3 October 2016

Army Rangers en route to deliver baked chicken with a side salad and apple pie

The Battle of Malnutrition is one of the most famous battles in medical history. General Emerson Diet's victory after a hard-fought eight-month-long campaign against malnourished patient Betty Tompkins has put him on the Mount Rushmore of Medical Military Heroes.

The Battle

For reasons unknown, Tompkins had anorexia with poor oral intake, leading to the development of severe protein-calorie malnutrition.^[1] On October 8, 1984, General Diet began what would be an initial 5-day campaign with IV fluids, without much improvement. Despite his repeated attempts, Tompkins refused General Diet. He enlisted the help of Second Lieutenant Clear Liquids and First Lieutenant Full Liquids and their cavalry full of juices and soups.^[2] Despite the three-pronged attack, both by daylight and by nightfall, the patient refused their attempts, throwing it all up and creating a mess.

The next five months saw escalating attacks from General Diet with Tompkins always on the defensive but never caving. She rebuked attempts from Captain Soft Diet and Major Dysphagia Pureed despite their heavily armed platoon of soldiers with eggs, grits, mashed potatoes, and apple sauce. Even when Captain Soft Diet and Major Dysphagia Pureed told their soldiers that they can "salt and pepper liberally," Tompkins' position held strong and needed more emesis basins than ever.^[3]

On April 10, 1985, General Diet finally saw a crack in the armor. Lieutenant Colonel PPN was able to infiltrate Tompkins right arm and over the next few weeks, Tompkins nutritional status improved. May 3, 1985 was a turning point: Tompkins began negotiations with Second Lieutenant Clear Liquids. The summer saw Tompkins negotiating a rapid succession of truces with General Diet's commanders. By July 31, 1985, Tompkins was cooperating with Second Lieutenant Clear Liquids, First Lieutenant Full Liquids, Captain Soft Diet, Major Dysphagia Pureed, Lieutenant Colonel PPN.

On August 3, 1985, Lieutenant Colonel handed leadership over to Colonel TPN, with whom Tompkins struck a wonderful rapport.

On August 10, 1985, General Diet took charge and assaulted Tompkins with an unrelenting barrage of eggs, home fries, and toast for breakfast; a turkey sandwich, potato chips, banana, and a Coke for lunch; and a hamburger with cheese, fries, apple, and key lime pie for dessert.^[4] At 7:55 PM on August 10, 1985, Tompkins declared defeat to General Diet and shortly thereafter fell into a food coma.^[5]

Historical Perspective

General Diet's persistence and use of all the military and nutritional capacities at his disposal garnered him with admiration from everyone in the health care community. Though the stories are not as well documented, rumors are that General Diet even consulted the help of Colonel Dobhoff, Colonel Neal Guthrie Tube, and Colonel Peter Emerson Garribaldi during the Battle of Malnutrition. In modern healthcare, it is not uncommon when health care providers think they may have another protracted battle against a new case of malnutrition, many will kiss a picture of General Diet and eat a graham cracker in his honor.

References

1. ↑ Nutritionist Confronts Arch Nemesis, The Malnutritionist
2. ↑ Recipe: GomerBlog’s Chicken Noodle Soup with Vancomycin & Zosyn
3. ↑ Drug Seeker Fills Entire Emesis Bucket with Noise Before Receiving Dilaudid
4. ↑ Physician Shocked to Learn Banana Bags Not Made with Real Fruit
5. ↑ Amidst Obesity Epidemic, Task Force Creates Glasgow Food Coma Scale

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