Pneumonia

Pneumonia is a bitch.^[1]^[2]

Symptoms & Signs

Patients with typical pneumonia have fevers, chills, productive cough, and shortness of breath, while atypical symptoms may include altered mental status, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. Really atypical symptoms include toenail pruritus, triple vision, and nipple cyanosis.

Diagnosis

Diagnosis of pneumonia is made when an infiltrate is noted on chest X-ray. If a radiologist suggests clinical correlation or misses a right lower lobe (RLL) Pokémon, please punch him or her in the face.^[3] When admitting a patient with pneumonia, be sure to check blood cultures after giving antibiotics such as to defeat the purpose of checking them completely.

Causative Organisms

Streptococcus pneumoniae - Sucks because it's the most common cause.
Staphylococcus aureus - Sucks too, especially if it's f**king MRSA.^[4]^[5]
Influenza - Yeah, this also sucks.
Chlamydia pneumoniae - The only sexually-transmitted pneumonia. The worst.
Legionella - Sucks.
Mycoplasma pneumonia - Sucks.
Middle East respiratory syndrome coronavirus - Causes severe pneumonia, so this one really blows.

Types of Pneumonias

Community-acquired pneumonia (CAP) - Acquired in a community.
Communist-acquired pneumonia (CCCPAP) - Acquired in a communist society.
Beautifully-acquired pneumonia (BAP) - Acquired with a gorgeous way.
Constitutionally-acquired pneumonia - Acquired in a state governed by a constitution.
Healthcare-associated pneumonia (HCAP) - Acquired in healthcare facilities at high risk for multidrug-resistant organisms.
Hospital-acquired pneumonia (HAP) - Acquired > 48 hours after admission.
Ventilator-acquired pneumonia (VAP) - Acquired > 48 hours after intubation.
Elevator-acquired pneumonia (EAP) - Acquired > 48 hours after entering an elevator and did not appear to be incubating at the time upon first entry into the elevator.
Roller coaster-acquired pneumonia (RCAP) - Acquired > 48 hours after riding a roller coaster and did not appear to be incubating at the time upon first entry onto the roller coaster ride.
Uber-acquired pneumonia (UAP) - Acquired > 48 hours after entering an Uber ride and did not appear to be incubating at the time upon first entry into an Uber vehicle.