2016 Updated Laws of the House of God
I. Gomers do die and then we bring them back to life over and over again and then send them to a SNF only to bounce back tomorrow with fevers and hypotension.
II. Gomers go to ground and naturally we blame anesthesia for it like everything else in medicine.
III. At a cardiac arrest, the first procedure is to make sure it isn’t your patient coding and that you don’t provide back compressions.
IV. The patient is the one with the disease and also the patient satisfaction survey.
V. HCAHPS scores come first.
VI. There is no body cavity that can’t be reached by a scope and a motivated gastroenterologist, unless it is between 6 pm and 6 am. In that case just give blood and they will see them in the morning.
VII. Age + BUN = Lasix dose. (Still true!)
VIII. Hospital administrators can always hurt you more.
IX. The only good admission is one on another service where you are consulting even though the primary problem is your specialty.
X. If you don’t take an actual respiratory rate, just chart 16.
XI. Show me a medical student that isn’t texting/Tweeting/Facebooking all day and I will kiss their feet.
XII. If a medical student cuts a suture, it will either be too short or too long, it can never be just right.
XIII. The delivery of good medical care is to prescribe opioids, antibiotics, greasy delicious food, and to give the patient whatever they want from their Google research.
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