Noon Conference

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Geared towards residents, noon conference is a lunchtime conference that has three basic requirements: (1) food that causes hypertension and diabetes, (2) a speaker who reads off of his or her PowerPoint, and (3) residents who fall asleep.[1]


The Food


The hallmark of a good noon conference is unhealthy food or the presence of cookies. The presence of a cardiologist as speaker almost often guarantees conference will feature pizza, something that causes thrombosis of the coronary arteries. The presence of healthy food, like salad or fruits and vegetables, defeats the purpose of noon conference.


The Speaker


A monotone speaker must be paired with the compensatory insulin spike that will occur with the aforementioned food. In the event a speaker must choose a topic that doesn't induce sleep, it must induce vomit because why wouldn't you want to learn about infected eyeballs, diabetic foot ulcers, and intestinal worms while eating lunch?[2]


The Residents


The combination of coma-inducing food and a mundane speaker almost always turns noon conference into what it is really meant to be for residents: a bedtime story or naptime. This is on top of the well-known mandated nap set forth by the ACGME.[3] According to the latest poll of residents conducted by the ACGME, noon conference is synonymous with a 0% information retention rate and a 100% snoozefest.


Related Reading


- Burnout

- July Intern


References


  1. Boring PowerPoints New Leading Cause of Death Among Health Care Practitioners
  2. Chief Resident Regrets Decision to Serve Noodles During Lunchtime PowerPoint on Roundworms
  3. Naptime Now Required for Residents per GME Guidelines



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