Changes

A '''July intern''' is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other [[Word Salad|words]], a '''July intern''' is a [http://gomerblog.com/2015/10/medical-student-deer/ deer in headlights] except less likely to survive. The goal of a '''July intern''' is to survive. The goal of patients under the care of a '''July intern''' is to survive as well.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2013/07/report-the-worst-time-of-year-to-be-sick/ Report: July The Worst Time of Year to Be Sick(Gomerblog)]</ref>

Though the initial few moments of a '''July intern's''' day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/medicine-intern/ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern(Gomerblog)]</ref> For one, the downfall starts when a '''July intern''' first gets lost within the [[Hospital|hospital]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/residency-programs-2/ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells(Gomerblog)]</ref> A '''July intern''' may further be rattled by a [[Code Blue]] for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a [[Supply Closet|supply closet]] or suck one's thumb.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-intern/ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb(Gomerblog)]</ref> By mid-morning, a '''July intern''' does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: [[CP|chest pain]], [[SOB|shortness of breath]], [[Palpitations|palpitations]], [[Abdominal Pain|abdominal pain]], nausea, [[Vomicking|vomiting]], urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/intern-cant-hold-pee/ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self(Gomerblog)]</ref> Dehydration is very common among '''July interns''' due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/crying-july-1st-interns-spotted/ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted(Gomerblog)]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/03/burnout/ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout(Gomerblog)]</ref> Do not surprised if a '''July intern''' turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/08/intern-asking-just-one-hug/ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug”(Gomerblog)]</ref> It also during this very first month that '''July interns''' - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the [[Cafeteria|cafeteria]] is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]].

The influence of '''July interns''' on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on [[July]], the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/06/decreases-mortality/ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%(Gomerblog)]</ref> In the event an 11-month calendar cannot be created, nurses are often seen fleeing the healthcare system in record numbers under the guise of vacation leave.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-vacation/ July Interns Forcing Nurses to Take July Vacation in Record Numbers(Gomerblog)]</ref>

However, one sector of the economy does benefit from '''July interns''': the toilet paper industry. The act of '''July interns''' sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/charmin-expects-summer-profits/ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves(Gomerblog)]</ref> See Figure 351. Market economists project that 2017 will be a big year for other industries as well: the tissue paper and [[2016 Code Constipation Algorithm|underwear]] industries.