Super Bowl LI
Super Bowl LI took place on February 5, 2017 in Houston, TX between the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots. The Patriots defeated the Falcons in dramatic fashion, winning 34-28 in overtime (OT), thereby ensuring anyone who watched the game was exhausted for work Monday morning and therefore compromised patient care.
Before the Game
In the weeks before Super Bowl LI, many experts predicted a shootout between the two teams given that the Falcons had the No. 1 ranked offense and the Patriots had the No. 4 ranked offense. Because of the numerous weapons at the disposal of both quarterbacks (or field generals, as George Carlin would more accurately suggest), such as short bullets, shotguns, and long bombs, emergency crews and trauma teams in the metro Houston area were on high alert and prepared for a potential bloodbath.[1] Falcons 37, Patriots 34 was Gomerblog's prediction for the final concussion count. Despite these concerns, health care professionals were excited about how the 51 in Super Bowl LI reminded them of what age they would finally pay off their student loans.
One hour before kickoff, the medical staff for both teams consulted Medicine to clear all players and coaches before the Super Bowl. Americans were thrilled when President George Bush and Barbara Bush were honorary guests, though the moment was ruined with Super Bowl referee Carl Cheffers accidentally aspirated the coin used during the coin toss.
The Game
The game was a tale of two halves.
The First Half
The Patriots got the ball first. Unfortunately, after an early 3 and out, the Patriots punted the ball to Medicine. The Patriots would struggle getting their offense going, while the Falcons started out fast. The Falcons dominated the Patriots, taking a 21-3 lead into halftime. Gomerblog noted on their Twitter feed that the Patriots were "carrying the football like I carry my pager looking for any opportunity to give it away," while Bill Belichick "looks intense, taking notes, as if he's studying the Krebs cycle. As the score was teetering on the edge of what is considered a blowout, many Americans at Super Bowl parties watching the game took the opportunity to take to discuss more interesting topics like concussions or how both IBM Watson and the Fox NFL Robot were more useful than the Da Vinci surgical robot. At the conclusion of the first half, if you listened closely enough, you could hear everyone in America peeing at the same time.[2]
"The Half Time Show
The Second Half
The Patriots remained lackadaisical for most of the 3rd quarter. Tom Brady kept getting sacked, which reminded Americans to examine their own sacks for any lumps, bumps, or deflation. Many were not surprised when Palliative Care was consulted with the Patriots down 21-0. The Falcons continued building their lead up to 25 points with a score of 28-3. Gomerblog thought they were smelling the changing of the guard, when it actually was just C. diff. Fortunately for Patriots Nation, Belichick & Brady remained Full Code and over the final 20 minutes of the game began the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history. The Pats offense would dominate offensive possession, leading to the Falcons getting gassed and becoming injured. Falcons doctors took the opportunity to check every injured Falcons player's troponin.
After the Game
Still unable to process the defeat, members of the Falcons including Dan Quinn and Matt Ryan had only one plausible explanation: it was anesthesia's fault.[3] Short of that, there was no other reason to explain this ultimate of choke jobs.[4]
Fun Facts
Did you know that every time the quarterback goes under center, he is actually examining the center's prostate for lumps or bumps?
References
- ↑ Houston Trauma Teams Prepare for Deadly Super Bowl Shootout
- ↑ Forgot-to-Pee Syndrome Afflicting Millions of Health Care Workers
- ↑ Falcons Blame Super Bowl Loss on Anesthesia
- ↑ Study: Heimlich Maneuver Not Effective on Choking Athletes
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Fun Stuff
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