Difference between revisions of "July Intern"

From Gomerpedia
Jump to: navigation, search
(22 intermediate revisions by the same user not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
 
[[File:Young Male Doctor.jpg|450px|thumb|right|''"I bet you can't tell that I just cried in the call room!"'']]
 
[[File:Young Male Doctor.jpg|450px|thumb|right|''"I bet you can't tell that I just cried in the call room!"'']]
  
−
''"I had long since learned that the secret to a happy and successful life was to steer clear of any project masterminded by that young scourge of the species." - Bertram Wooster, "Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves" (1926)''
+
A '''July intern''' is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor.  In other [[Word Salad|words]], a '''July intern''' is a [http://gomerblog.com/2015/10/medical-student-deer/ deer in headlights] except less likely to survive.  The goal of a '''July intern''' is to survive.  The goal of patients under the care of a '''July intern''' is to survive as well.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2013/07/report-the-worst-time-of-year-to-be-sick/ Report: July The Worst Time of Year to Be Sick (Gomerblog)]</ref>
−
 
 
−
 
 
−
''"I left them, and noticed them pointing at me to each other, pleased that I would be their brother's doctor.  I was moved.  I was a doctor.  For the first time that day, I felt excited, proud.  They believed in me, in my art.  I would take care of their brother, and them.  Take care of the whole world, why not?  I marched down the hallway with [[Pride|pride]].  I fingered the chrome of my [[Stethoscope|stethoscope]] with a certain expertise.  Like I knew what I was doing.  Far-out.  It didn't last." - Roy Basch, "The House of God" (1978)''
 
−
 
 
−
 
 
−
A '''July intern''' is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor.  In other [[Word Salad|words]], a '''July intern''' is a [http://gomerblog.com/2015/10/medical-student-deer/ deer in headlights] except less likely to survive.  The goal of a '''July intern''' is to survive irrespective of whether they are thrown into the fire or the [[Deep End|deep end]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/interns-thrown-fire/ Breaking: Interns Literally Being Thrown into the Fire (Gomerblog)]</ref> The goal of patients under the care of a '''July intern''' is to survive as well.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2013/07/report-the-worst-time-of-year-to-be-sick/ Report: July The Worst Time of Year to Be Sick (Gomerblog)]</ref>
 
  
  
Line 13: Line 7:
 
----
 
----
 
Though the initial few moments of a '''July intern's''' day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/medicine-intern/ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern (Gomerblog)]</ref>  For one, the downfall starts when a '''July intern''' first gets lost within the [[Hospital|hospital]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/residency-programs-2/ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells (Gomerblog)]</ref>  A '''July intern''' may further be rattled by a [[Code Blue]] for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a [[Supply Closet|supply closet]] or suck one's thumb.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-intern/ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb (Gomerblog)]</ref> By mid-morning, a '''July intern''' does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: [[CP|chest pain]], [[SOB|shortness of breath]], [[Palpitations|palpitations]], [[Abdominal Pain|abdominal pain]], nausea, [[Vomicking|vomiting]], urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/intern-cant-hold-pee/ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self (Gomerblog)]</ref>  Dehydration is very common among '''July interns''' due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/crying-july-1st-interns-spotted/ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted (Gomerblog)]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/03/burnout/ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout (Gomerblog)]</ref>  Do not surprised if a '''July intern''' turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/08/intern-asking-just-one-hug/ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug” (Gomerblog)]</ref>  It also during this very first month that '''July interns''' - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the [[Cafeteria|cafeteria]] is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]].
 
Though the initial few moments of a '''July intern's''' day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/medicine-intern/ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern (Gomerblog)]</ref>  For one, the downfall starts when a '''July intern''' first gets lost within the [[Hospital|hospital]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/residency-programs-2/ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells (Gomerblog)]</ref>  A '''July intern''' may further be rattled by a [[Code Blue]] for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a [[Supply Closet|supply closet]] or suck one's thumb.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/07/july-intern/ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb (Gomerblog)]</ref> By mid-morning, a '''July intern''' does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: [[CP|chest pain]], [[SOB|shortness of breath]], [[Palpitations|palpitations]], [[Abdominal Pain|abdominal pain]], nausea, [[Vomicking|vomiting]], urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/intern-cant-hold-pee/ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self (Gomerblog)]</ref>  Dehydration is very common among '''July interns''' due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/crying-july-1st-interns-spotted/ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted (Gomerblog)]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/03/burnout/ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout (Gomerblog)]</ref>  Do not surprised if a '''July intern''' turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/08/intern-asking-just-one-hug/ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug” (Gomerblog)]</ref>  It also during this very first month that '''July interns''' - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the [[Cafeteria|cafeteria]] is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]].
−
 
−
 
−
Finally, '''July interns''' are known to be notoriously clumsy, doing things like tripping over [[Foley Catheter|Foleys]], dropping babies, or becoming proficient at pneumothoraces.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2015/05/foley-catheters/ Clumsy Intern Keeps Tripping Over Patients’ Foley Catheters (Gomerblog)]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2014/12/clumsy-ob-gyn/ Clumsy OB/GYN Intern Fumbles a Record 11 Babies (Gomerblog)]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/july-intern-pneumothorax/ July Intern Really Excited to Cause His Very First Pneumothorax (Gomerblog)]</ref>  As Bertram Wooster told his clumsy friend Stinker Pinker in P.G. Wodehouse's ''Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves'', "You move in a mysterious way your wonders to perform, Stinker.  I believe you would bump into something if you were crossing the Gobi dessert," to which Stinker replied, "I've never been in the Gobi dessert."
 
  
  
Line 30: Line 21:
  
  
−
However, one sector of the economy does benefit from '''July interns''': the toilet paper industry.  The act of '''July interns''' sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses (''see Figure 351'').<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/charmin-expects-summer-profits/ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves (Gomerblog)]</ref>  Market economists project that 2017 will be a big year for other industries as well: the tissue paper and [[2016 Code Constipation Algorithm|underwear]] industries.
+
However, one sector of the economy does benefit from '''July interns''': the toilet paper industry.  The act of '''July interns''' sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2016/07/charmin-expects-summer-profits/ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves (Gomerblog)]</ref> See Figure 351. Market economists project that 2017 will be a big year for other industries as well: the tissue paper and [[2016 Code Constipation Algorithm|underwear]] industries.
−
 
 
−
 
 
−
'''July Interns in 2017'''
 
−
----
 
−
To better prepare the incoming crop of '''July interns''' starting on July 1, 2017, the [[Food & Drug Administration]] (FDA) approved 55-hour ENERGY drinks to help them fight sleep deprivation, which often leads to poor medical decision-making, and help them last through their improved but still brutal 168-hour work weeks.<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/06/55-hour-energy-drink/ FDA Approves 55-Hour ENERGY for Incoming July Interns (Gomerblog)]</ref><ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/03/acgme-168-hours/ ACGME Limits Resident Work Hours to 168 Per Week (Gomerblog)]</ref>  Most if not all residency programs across the country ensured each intern was supplied with a new [[White Coat|white coat]], [[Pager|pager]], and gift bag full of 55-hour ENERGY drinks.
 
  
  
 
'''Advice to Patients'''
 
'''Advice to Patients'''
 
----
 
----
−
* Stay at home until [[2016 Revised Fall Precautions|autumn]].
+
Stay at home until [[2016 Revised Fall Precautions|autumn]].
  
  
 
'''Advice to July Interns'''
 
'''Advice to July Interns'''
 
----
 
----
−
*Learn to curl into the [[Fetal Position|fetal position]].<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/fetal-position/ Tips for New Interns: How to Curl into the Fetal Position (Gomerblog)]</ref>
+
Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally. Other than [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]].
−
*Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally.
 
−
*Your other important friend: [[Graham Crackers|graham crackers]].
 
−
*Study [http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/survive-internship/ Gomerblog's Exhaustive List on How to Survive Internship]<ref>[http://gomerblog.com/2017/07/survive-internship/ GomerBlog’s Exhaustive List on How to Survive Internship (Gomerblog)]</ref>
 
  
  
 
'''Related Reading'''
 
'''Related Reading'''
 
----
 
----
−
* [[Asociality]]
+
- [[Americano]]
−
* [[Begging]]
+
 
−
* [[Brave]]
+
- [[Are you hungry?]]
−
* [[Can I ran something by you?]]
+
 
−
* [[Claustrophobia]]
+
- [[Asociality]]
−
* [[Coffee]]
+
 
−
* [[Deep End]]
+
- [[Begging]]
−
* [[Differential Diagnosis]]
+
 
−
* [[Do you know where my patient is located?]]
+
- [[Brave]]
−
* [[Doctor Zhivago]]
+
 
−
* [[Does my nurse have a name or do I just call him or her "nurse"?]]
+
- [[Can I ran something by you?]]
−
* [[Dyspnea]]
+
 
−
* [[Fidget Spinner]]
+
- [[Chaos]]
−
* [[Fire]]
+
 
−
* [[Graham Crackers]]
+
- [[Claustrophobia]]
−
* [[How good of a doctor am I?]]
+
 
−
* [[Homer's The Odyssey]]
+
- [[CRY]]
−
* [[Hypersensitivity Reaction]]
+
 
−
* [[Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder]]
+
- [[DDx]]
−
* [[I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry (Song)]]
+
 
−
* [[Mentor]]
+
- [[Do you know where my patient is located?]]
−
* [[MVI]]
+
 
−
* [[Open-Ended Question]]
+
- [[Does my nurse have a name or do I just call him or her "nurse"?]]
−
* [[Parasite]]
+
 
−
* [[Prank Page]]
+
- [[Favourite Worst Nightmare (Album)]]
−
* [[Resting Bitch Face]]
+
 
−
* [[Teaching Hospital]]
+
- [[Fidget Spinner]]
−
* [[Timeout Cage]]
+
 
−
* [[Toilet Paper]]
+
- [[How good of a doctor am I?]]
−
* [[What should I do if a nurse is upset with me?]]
+
 
−
* [[When is the best time to call a consult?]]
+
- [[Homer's The Odyssey]]
−
* [[Whine]]
+
 
−
* [[Whippersnapper]]
+
- [[Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder]]
−
* [[You're not gonna make it as a doctor]]
+
 
 +
- [[I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry (Song)]]
 +
 
 +
- [[Intern]]
 +
 
 +
- [[Intern Zhivago]]
 +
 
 +
- [[Mentor]]
 +
 
 +
- [[MVI]]
 +
 
 +
- [[Open-Ended Question]]
 +
 
 +
- [[Parasite]]
 +
 
 +
- [[RBF]]
 +
 
 +
- [[Teaching Hospital]]
 +
 
 +
- [[Toilet Paper]]
 +
 
 +
- [[What should I do if a nurse is upset with me?]]
 +
 
 +
- [[When is the best time to call a consult?]]
 +
 
 +
- [[Whine]]
 +
 
 +
- [[You're not gonna make it as a doctor]]
  
  

Revision as of 12:40, 1 July 2017

"I bet you can't tell that I just cried in the call room!"

A July intern is a graduating medical student's first month practicing as a real doctor. In other words, a July intern is a deer in headlights except less likely to survive. The goal of a July intern is to survive. The goal of patients under the care of a July intern is to survive as well.[1]


Characteristics of a July Intern

Though the initial few moments of a July intern's day might be filled with positive energy and optimism, it very quickly degrades.[2] For one, the downfall starts when a July intern first gets lost within the hospital.[3] A July intern may further be rattled by a Code Blue for which their immediate instinctive response is to hide in a supply closet or suck one's thumb.[4] By mid-morning, a July intern does not appear any different than an ER patient who is about to be admitted: chest pain, shortness of breath, palpitations, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, urinary and bowel incontinence, and syncope.[5] Dehydration is very common among July interns due to the loss of fluids through not only sweating and bladder and bowel incontinence but also persistent crying.[6][7] Do not surprised if a July intern turns to complete strangers for advice, food, or a hug.[8] It also during this very first month that July interns - after working long hours, forgetting to eat, and finding that the cafeteria is closed - learn the value and life-sustaining wonder of graham crackers.


The Difference Between a July Intern and a June Intern

This is best summarized here: July vs. June Interns. It can be best summarized as "July interns stink and June interns are better."


Impact on Society

The influence of July interns on modern society cannot be understated. Just by showing up to work on July, the chances of in-hospital fatality skyrockets towards infinity. It is so concerning that attempts have been made to eliminate July from the calendar entirely.[9] In the event an 11-month calendar cannot be created, nurses are often seen fleeing the healthcare system in record numbers under the guise of vacation leave.[10]

Figure 351


However, one sector of the economy does benefit from July interns: the toilet paper industry. The act of July interns sh*tting themselves has led to a predictable pattern of TP sales where toilet paper companies like Charmin see record sales as the month of July progresses.[11] See Figure 351. Market economists project that 2017 will be a big year for other industries as well: the tissue paper and underwear industries.


Advice to Patients

Stay at home until autumn.


Advice to July Interns

Be nice to nurses; they're your most important ally. Other than graham crackers.


Related Reading

- Americano

- Are you hungry?

- Asociality

- Begging

- Brave

- Can I ran something by you?

- Chaos

- Claustrophobia

- CRY

- DDx

- Do you know where my patient is located?

- Does my nurse have a name or do I just call him or her "nurse"?

- Favourite Worst Nightmare (Album)

- Fidget Spinner

- How good of a doctor am I?

- Homer's The Odyssey

- Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

- I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry (Song)

- Intern

- Intern Zhivago

- Mentor

- MVI

- Open-Ended Question

- Parasite

- RBF

- Teaching Hospital

- Toilet Paper

- What should I do if a nurse is upset with me?

- When is the best time to call a consult?

- Whine

- You're not gonna make it as a doctor


References

  1. ↑ Report: July The Worst Time of Year to Be Sick (Gomerblog)
  2. ↑ Ask a July 1st Medicine Intern (Gomerblog)
  3. ↑ Residency Programs Nationwide Call Jeopardy to Replace New Interns Lost in Stairwells (Gomerblog)
  4. ↑ July Interns Play Crucial Role During Cardiac Arrest by Whimpering, Sucking Own Thumb (Gomerblog)
  5. ↑ Breaking: Intern Can’t Hold It, Pees on Self (Gomerblog)
  6. ↑ Breaking: First Batch of Crying July 1st Interns Spotted (Gomerblog)
  7. ↑ Tips: How to Improve Your Daily Cry at Work Due to Burnout (Gomerblog)
  8. ↑ Struggling Intern Asking for “Just One Hug” (Gomerblog)
  9. ↑ Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000% (Gomerblog)
  10. ↑ July Interns Forcing Nurses to Take July Vacation in Record Numbers (Gomerblog)
  11. ↑ Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves (Gomerblog)


Fun Stuff
Try a random entry.
Push me button.jpg
OR 
Share
this post with your friends


Random Gomerpedia Entries


Need More Gomer?



Retrieved from "http://gomerpedia.org/index.php?title=July_Intern&oldid=13821"