Joint Commission
From Gomerpedia
The Joint Commission (formerly known as JCAHO, currently known as Those F**kers) an in independent organization that accredits, certifies, and inhibits nearly 21,000 health care organizations and programs in the United States. The Joint Commission is recognized nationwide as a huge "pain in the ass."
Mission
"To continuously get in the way, in collaboration with no health care providers, by evaluating health care organizations and inspiring them to leave health care."
Vision Statement
All health care personnel always feel our Big Brother influence.
Controversial Recommendations
The Joint Commission has been causing immense waves with several controversial recommendations over the past several years.
- On December 8, 2015, the Joint Commission pushed for a new television quality initiative after a patient leapt to his death when his TV was stuck on ''The View'', stating that "Nurses and doctors should know what channels are available and how to quickly address TV malfunctions, as well as providing documentation of the above competencies."[1] Medical personnel got behind the initiative. Except for the documentation part.
- On January 19, 2016, the Joint Commission made a rare recommendation that drew the universal support of medical personnel: reversing their ban on caffeinated drinks at the nurses station.[2] Ever since the announcement, there has been a universal decline in errors, morbidity & mortality, bitterness towards fellow humans, and yawning.
- On March 18, 2016, a non-expert study conducted by the Joint Commission stated that the physician butthole was the source of all iatrogenic infections. Because providers were already required to wash their hands and hands are less clean than buttholes, the Joint Commission mandated that all physicians have a complete colon cleanse between each patient encounter, using either GoLYTELY or GoHEAVILY.[3] As of September 13, 2016, the Joint Commission is considering extending the mandate to all health care providers, not just physicians.
- On April 5, 2016, the Joint Commission mandated a new pain scale, the Strong-Faker Pain Scale, that ranged from 0 to infinity, thereby allowing patients to have pain ratings as high as their imaginations could take them.[4] The Joint Commission felt the epidemic of patients describing their pain as greater than 10 reflected that the Wong-Baker FACES scale had become obsolete. As a result of this measure, the Joint Commission replaced the headaches of health care providers with full-on strokes.
- On July 29, 2016, the Joint Commission recommended an annual "Patient Safety Purge" during which the Joint Commission would suspend safety measures for 12-hours. The move was inspired by the movie The Purge with the hope of restoring the moral of health care practitioners and getting "all their dangerous and reckless behaviors out of their system once a year." Some of the safety measures not enforced during the 12-hour window include handwashing, open beverages or eating at the nurses station, isolation, documentation, blindfolded procedures, codes, duty-hour restrictions for residents, vital signs, clinical correlation, use of profanity, or a having a medical license to practice. In fact, the Joint Commission ended its recommendation with the statement Blessed be the Joint Commission, a health care system reborn. May God be with you all.[5]
References
- ↑ Patient Leaps to Death After Hospital TV Stuck on The View; Joint Commission Investigating
- ↑ The Joint Commission Now Encourages Coffee At Nursing Stations, Mortality Rates Plummet
- ↑ Joint Commission Mandates Physicians Have Colon Cleansed Between Each Patient Encounter
- ↑ Joint Commission Mandates New Pain Scale That Goes to Infinity
- ↑ The Joint Commission Announces First Annual “Patient Safety Purge”
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