Joint Commission

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The Joint Commission (formerly known as JCAHO, JHACO, JAHCO, JHCAO; and currently known as Those F**kers) is an independent organization that accredits, certifies, and inhibits nearly 21,000 health care organizations and programs in the United States. The Joint Commission is recognized nationwide as a huge "pain in the ass", thinking of new and innovative ways to complicate and muddle the patient-provider relationship. It shies away from evidence-based medicine or common sense with "total unbridled nonsense."


Mission


"To continuously get in the way, in collaboration with no health care providers, by citing no specific scientific evidence, by evaluating health care organizations and inspiring them to leave health care."


Vision Statement


"All health care personnel should always feel our Big Brother influence."


How to Become a Member of the Joint Commission


The only requirement to become a member of the Joint Commission is to have absolutely no background medical training. Though not required to practice, the Joint Commission offers board certification called the JCBC (Joint Commission Board Certification) for the practice of creating regulations not based on scientific evidence. There has been an uptick in board certification because of the opportunity for adding post-nominal letters.


Controversial Recommendations


The Joint Commission has been causing immense waves with several controversial recommendations over the past several years.

Figure 9
  1. On December 17, 2015, the Joint Commission recommended that the sicker the patient the more ID bracelets they should wear. According to the recommendation, an optimally identified ICU patient should have an ID band on all four extremities including a neck collar.[1] Since critical care teams were vocal because the increased ID bracelets were getting in the way, the Joint Commission deemed the recommendation a success.
  2. On August 29, 2014, the Joint Commission issued its most controversial set of guidelines to date: the mandate of a 42-step timeout prior to the initiation of CPR. Over time, hospitals have reported that the cumbersome 42-step process of checks and crosschecks requires no less than 42 people. Ever since the implementation of the mandate, codes have become 100% unsuccessful, as the patient is usually whisked away to the morgue by the time CPR has started. The most critical step in the 42-step process as identified by the Joint Commission is the use of a ferret as a witness prior to the initiation of CPR.[2] The Joint Commission has called the mandate a resounding success, commenting that "nothing is possible if we put our minds to it."
  3. On September 9, 2014, the Joint Commission gave health care providers some semblance of hope when it cited itself as a major hindrance to patient safety and provider productivity[3], citing their extensive timeout prior to CPR as the wake-up call. Ultimately, the Joint Commission would ignore the wake-up call, laugh it off, and proceed in its usual obstructive ways.
  4. On October 14, 2014, the Joint Commission enacted a new patient privacy mandate that all hospitalized patients were to be known as Bob independent of "name, age, gender, race or sexual orientation."[4] The Joint Commission had initially advocated for the names John Doe and Jane Doe, until they realized these were real people. Instead, they pushed for the less common name Bob. The policy mandate was deemed a success due to the massive increase in medication errors and mortality.
  5. On November 5, 2014, the Joint Commission had leaked an algorithm for the creation of new regulations, which Gomerblog made aware to the general public.[5] Analysis of the algorithm notes several key components to creating a Joint Commission policy recommendation: avoid scientific evidence, impede patient care, encourage impracticality, and upset health care workers.
  6. On May 19, 2015, the Joint Commission shut down Doc McStuffins after an audit revealed a myriad of protocol and safety deficiencies, which include but are not limited to HIPAA violations, lack of an EHR, lack of implementation of performance metrics, and child labor law violations.[6] This was a dark day for medicine, as the Joint Commission's powers proved to extend beyond the real world.
  7. On December 8, 2015, the Joint Commission pushed for a new television quality initiative after a patient found his TV was stuck on ''The View'' and decided to understandably leap to his death. The Joint Commission felt that nurses and doctors "should know what channels are available and how to quickly address TV malfunctions, as well as providing documentation of the above competencies."[7] Medical personnel got behind the initiative. Except for the documentation part.
  8. On January 19, 2016, the Joint Commission made a rare recommendation that drew the universal support of medical personnel: reversing their ban on caffeinated drinks at the nurses station.[8] Ever since the announcement, there has been a universal decline in errors, morbidity & mortality, bitterness towards fellow humans, and yawning.
  9. On March 18, 2016, a non-expert study conducted by the Joint Commission stated that the physician butthole was the source of all iatrogenic infections. Because providers were already required to wash their hands and hands were less clean than buttholes, the Joint Commission mandated that all physicians have a complete colon cleanse between each patient encounter, using either GoLYTELY or GoHEAVILY.[9] As of September 13, 2016, the Joint Commission is considering extending the mandate to all health care providers, not just physicians. The doctor-patient interaction has dropped off due to the cumbersome process of cleaning one's a**hole, the Joint Commission still considers this mandate a success.
  10. On April 5, 2016, the Joint Commission mandated a new pain scale, the Strong-Faker Pain Scale, that ranged from 0 to infinity, thereby allowing patients to have pain ratings as high as their imaginations could take them.[10] The Joint Commission felt the epidemic of patients describing their pain as greater than 10 reflected that the Wong-Baker FACES scale had become obsolete. As a result of this measure, the Joint Commission replaced the headaches of health care providers with full-on strokes. The Joint Commission has called this mandate a huge victory, though it is unclear who is winning.
  11. On July 29, 2016, the Joint Commission recommended an annual "Patient Safety Purge" during which the Joint Commission would suspend safety measures for 12 hours. The move was inspired by the movie The Purge with the hope of restoring the morale of health care practitioners and getting "all their dangerous and reckless behaviors out of their system once a year." Some of the safety measures not enforced during the 12-hour window include handwashing, open beverages or eating at the nurses station, isolation, documentation, blindfolded procedures, codes, duty-hour restrictions for residents, vital signs, clinical correlation, use of profanity, or a having a medical license to practice. In fact, the Joint Commission ended its recommendation with the statement "Blessed be the Joint Commission, a health care system reborn. May God be with you all."[11]
  12. On November 19, 2016, the Joint Commission created the Pyramids of Punishment or Pyramids of Pain, a penalty system for health care providers who violate patient safety measures.[12]
  13. On March 5, 2017, the Joint Commission created a new "Primary Constipation Center" certification, granted it to those who can implement specialized Constipation Resolution And Procedural (CRAP) Labs to target a goal door-to-BM time of 60 minutes or less.[13]


Balance of Power


To counter the unchecked power of the Joint Commission, health care providers have taken numerous steps.

  1. On June 21, 2013, hospital administrators nationwide initiated "Operation Temporary Change," during which "absolutely everything" met the standards of the Joint Commission during their visit and after which (usually three days later) the hospital would revert back to normal operations.[14]
  2. In October 2014, a movement started to do tear down any Joint Commission tips printed and taped up in bathroom stalls across the health care system, stating, "They may take our beverages away, our ability to effectively treat patients, and our dignity, but they will never take our freedom!"[15]
  3. On January 20, 2015, doctors and nurses joined forces to form the Gigantic Commission, an independent organization dedicated to accredit, certify, and inhibit the Joint Commission.[16]


Do Not..."


Do not confuse the Joint Commission with the Joints Commission.


References


  1. Joint Commission Requires More Name Tag Bracelets for Sicker Patients
  2. Joint Commission Mandates Extensive Timeout Prior to Initiating CPR
  3. Joint Commission Cites Itself as a Major Hindrance to Medical Care
  4. Joint Commission Mandates All Patients Be Known As Bob
  5. Joint Commission Healthcare New Regulation Algorithm Leaked
  6. Joint Commission Shuts Down McStuffins Clinic for Violations
  7. Patient Leaps to Death After Hospital TV Stuck on The View; Joint Commission Investigating
  8. The Joint Commission Now Encourages Coffee At Nursing Stations, Mortality Rates Plummet
  9. Joint Commission Mandates Physicians Have Colon Cleansed Between Each Patient Encounter
  10. Joint Commission Mandates New Pain Scale That Goes to Infinity
  11. The Joint Commission Announces First Annual “Patient Safety Purge”
  12. Joint Commission Announces Pyramids of Punishment for Patient Safety Violations
  13. Joint Commission Creates New “Primary Constipation Center” Certification
  14. Joint Commission is Coming: Hospital to Change Everything for Three Days Then Revert to Normal Operations
  15. Petition to Rip Down All Joint Commission Tips and Pearls Sheets from Bathroom Stalls Gaining Momentum
  16. Doctors and Nurses Form “The Gigantic Commission” to Accredit The Joint Commission


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