Subacutis placementicus

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Subacutis placementicus is the most common species of hospitalists.


When on service, they can be spotted in their natural habitat: the inpatient floors of any health care facility. On those floors, 90% of their time is spent in front of a computer while the other 10% is dedicated to direct patient care. When members of Subacutis placementicus are done with their duties on the medical duties or off service, they often embark upon a diaspora and are often not found within 10-country radius of their home base.


It may be hard to identify Subacutis placementicus since he or she may wear a white coat or a black fleece, but there are several distinct features:

  1. Hunches over a computer in bad posture
  2. Consumed by neverending paperwork
  3. Breadth and depth of curse words emanated when pager goes off
  4. Looks at least 10 years older than stated age

Life Goals

Unlike other species of mammals whose ultimate goal in life is to procreate, the objective of Subacutis placementicus is one and one only: the relocation of elder Homo sapiens (i.e. gomers into nursing homes, rehabs, or hospice with ruthless efficiency and without bounce backs.

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