Colonoscopy
A colonoscopy (or lower endoscopy) is when a medical provider, such as a gastroenterologist, uses a flexible tube with a camera and light to look at your colon because he doesn't want to get his arm stuck "elbow deep" into your rectum.
Who Can Perform Colonoscopies
Anyone really. However, in the case of a complicated colon, having a gastroenterologist perform it may not be a bad idea. Thanks to their training, they can employ advanced colonoscopic maneuvers such as the twerk.[1]
Indications for Colonoscopy
Only one: You're willing to undergo having a metal snake inserted into your bum hole.[2]
How to Prepare for Colonoscopy
The most important part of the colonoscopy is the bowel prep. For more information on synthetic bowel preparations, please refer to Bowel Prep, GoLYTELY, or GoHEAVILY. If you wish to pursue a natural bowel preparation, then the best bet is to go to your nearest Chipotle and see what infectious diseases are being offered.[3][4][5]
Word of warning: Bowel preparations may cause diarrhea and force cancellation of the colonoscopy.[6] If this does occur, do the right thing and blame the doctor.[7]
The Colonoscopy in Art & Media
The importance of the colonoscopy and how much it dominates the mindset of human beings is reflected in art and media throughout history.
- In 2013, Playstation released a video game called Colonoscopy 2016 which finally brought the colonoscopy home to the video-game generation. Game-play is first person from the perspective of a gastroenterologist, thus making Colonoscopy 2016 the first first-person scoper game ever created. The game garnered positive reviews because of the variety of patients (such as demented and anticoagulated) and scenarios (such as drug allergies and dirty colonoscopes), which provided endless hours of gameplay. Plus the unique scoring system for rewarding retroflexion and identification of the ileocecal valve while penalizing bowel perforation added to the value of the experience.
- In March of 2015, Dr. Mehmet Oz underwent colonoscopy revealing something we knew all along: he's FOS.[8]
- Amidst the crazy that accompanied the Pokémon Go release on July 6, 2016, gastroenterologist Jonathan Wilcox spotted a sigmoid Pikachu during a routine augmented-reality colonoscopy.[9]
The Future of Colonoscopies
Google has already said the future of colonoscopies is here when they began introducing self-driving colonoscopes or colonoscopy drones to the public.[10] Like their self-driving cars, Google's new colonoscopes are not without issues: the self-driving colonoscopy will still occasionally veer into someone else's colon and get into an accident. However, concerns over the costs associated with colonoscopies have led one Chicago-area hospital to replace colonoscopes, which can cost up to tens of thousands of dollars, with plastic reachers from the Home Depot, which cost only maybe $40 a pop.[11]
The makers of disposable stethoscopes, such as Melch Allyn, are also developing disposable colonoscopes that are good only for one use.[12] Unfortunately, there have been delays as they haven't been to able to make the quality of the disposable colonoscopies sh*tty enough.
Related Reading
- Bullshit
- Can I catch something other than travelers' diarrhea when I'm abroad?
- Can you name a few items I shouldn't put up my rectum?
- Door-to-BM Time
- Enema
- Flip One's Sh*t
- G.I. Joe
- Harris Flush
- Klingon
- Morning Poop
- Number Two
- Periperiscope
- Rectal Intubation
- Rectify
- Retroflexion
- Sh*ts and Giggles
References
- ↑ Gastroenterologist Discovers Advanced Colonoscopy Technique, Twerk Position, While Working on Miley Cyrus (Gomerblog)
- ↑ How to Use a Selfie Stick without Bothering Others (The Oatmeal)
- ↑ Colon Loses It, Screams “OK, EVERYBODY OUT!” (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Chipotle States Burritos Made with Responsibly Raised E. Coli (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Study Finds Majority of Americans Would Rather Die of E. coli Than Not Eat at Chipotle (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Patients Cancel Colonoscopy Due to Diarrhea (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Poor Colonoscopy Bowel Prep Blamed on Doctor (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Dr. Oz’s Colonoscopy Reveals That He’s FOS (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Pokémon Go Update: Pikachu Spotted in Man’s Colon (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Google to Deploy Self-Driving Colonoscopes (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Colonoscopes Replaced by Plastic Reachers from Home Depot (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Product Review: Melch Allyn’s Disposable Colonoscopes (Gomerblog)
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