COVID-19, also known as the novel coronavirus, was discovered in Wuhan, China on December 2019 and has been a goddamn pain-in-the-ass ever since.
According to the World Health Organization, the United States Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), and our friend Tim, there are currently more than 35 billion confirmed cases of COVID-19. This speaks to the huge burden of disease on human beings considering the Earth's population is less than 8 billion.
The first reports were first reported in first reports by the Chinese Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on December 2019 in the city of Wuhan, China. Reports found that those aged 70 to 79 years had a case fatality rate of 8%, those aged 80 years or older had a case fatality rate of 15%, and those already decreased had a case fatality rate of 100%. The first documented U.S. case occurred in a relatively-young patient from Washington State, who returned from Wuhan on January 20, 2020. For Americans, this is when sh*t started to get real.
In a matter of months, COVID-19 had spread to all continents except Antarctica, suggesting that Antarctica has partial immunity. It had even spread to Earth's inner core. The World Health Organization declared that COVID-19 was officially a pandemic, thus becoming the last major medical society to realize this. With the exception of China, Taiwan, and South Korea, measures aimed at containment have failed. Bribery has failed. Most nations have opted for strategies involving mitigation or masturbation, whichever one means "to reduce the severity or spread."
In the United States, the NBA was suspended when its first player, Rudy Gobert, tested positive for coronavirus. As students or teachers tested positive for COVID-19, schools closed, including New York City's public school system, which is the largest in the country. As patients and health care professionals tested positive for COVID-19, hospitals followed suit and closed as well. Social distancing was rapidly implemented (Spring Breakers in Florida were exempt), which disrupted orthopedic surgeons the most as they had to suspend bro hugs for 60 days and shelter-in-place at the hospital gym indefinitely. Cases of PTSD spiked in the Anesthesia population on account of Sudoku supply deficits. Batman was infected, thus becoming the first case of human-to-Batman transmission. The situation got so dire that the CDC declared "we are effed" while aliens postponed their invasion of Earth due to concerns over COVID-19.
Throughout March, COVID-19 continued to spread at an alarming rate: the Mars rover, Curiosity, tested positive for coronavirus, thus becoming the first case of interplanetary spread; Heaven & Hell tested positive, suggesting that we may still need to practice hand hygiene in the afterlife; and the lost city of Atlantis has tested positive. New York has become the epicenter for COVID-19 in the United States, but one lucky resident of New York City has tested negative. Though she didn't test positive, the 134-year-old Statue of Liberty sheltered-in-place on Liberty Island given her age puts her at higher risk of complications if infected with COVID-19. Left with no other choice, the CDC placed all of New York City under one ventilator. Unfortunately any gains made with this were offset when a colossal coronavirus invaded downtown Manhattan and devoured New York City whole.
Reports suggest that coronavirus is capable of traveling back in time.
President Trump had set his sights on reopening the United States by Easter time, but this was derailed when the Easter Bunny tested positive for coronavirus. Palliative Care was consulted and is currently having a family meeting with all 327 million Americans. It is believed consensus will be reached to make the United States DNR. Until that happens, hospitals are scrambling to ensure health care professionals have an adequate supply of ICD-10 codes. Remarkably, infectious diseases doctors are remaining calm, even if they are getting paged anywhere from 40,000 to 100,000 times per day.
Something about betacoronavirus and angiotensin-converting enzyme 2 (ACE2)?
Symptoms can range from no to yes. The most common include fever, nonproductive cough, shortness of breath, loss of smell, loss of taste, myalgias, and anorexia. Less common symptoms include sore throat, rectal prolapse, and urethral discharge. In very rare instances, it can present as a scrotal abscess. The majority of cases are mild, with exception of the deadly ones. Spring weather makes differentiating between allergy symptoms and COVID-19 symptoms very challenging. The first confirmed U.S. case was a 35-year-old male with minimal medical problems who ended up being hospitalized for 11 days. F**K.
The most concerning exam finding is the identification of a surgical mask over the patient's mouth.
Unlike other situations, vital signs can be quite useful. Don't be fooled: though the documented respiratory rate reads as 16, it is most likely 17. Objective fever supports subjective fevers and hypoxemia supports a patient's complaint of "I'm feeling hypoxemic." Cardiopulmonary exam findings may include tachycardia, wheezing, or crackles, but that does require making contact with the patient. Chest X-ray is an important diagnostic tool. If Radiology recommends clinical correlation after remarking on pulmonary infiltrates, please defriend them.
As both the patient and health care professional have the potential to quickly decompensate, attention must be paid to both. If both decompensate at the same time and only one bed is available, a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors should decide the outcome.
- Upper GI bleed
- Lower GI bleed
- Diabetic foot ulcer
- Aortic stenosis
- Aortic sclerosis
Diagnosis is best achieved through diagnostic kits, whose status is currently listed as "theoretical" in the United States despite being 3 months into the pandemic. With the eventual coordination of America's public and private sectors in early March, over 1 million flawed kits were expected to be available by the end of March 2020. A Silicon Valley company Cepheid developed a rapid point-of-care COVID-19 test that produced results in an hour or less. Unfortunately, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration rejected this test in favor of a slow-as-balls one produced by some guy named Ted. He hopes to roll out 12 tests to the country by the end of the year. The expected turnaround time on Ted's test is 1 decade. Given the low number of tests available, CDC has prioritized the critically-ill or famous as the first persons who should be tested.
The optimal specimen is an upper respiratory tract sample obtained via nasopharyngeal swab, using the precision of a da Vinci robot. The U.S. has had difficulty obtaining appropriate specimens, though this is largely attributable to frontline OB/GYNs collecting samples from the vagina and not the nasopharynx. The main hurdle now is obtaining a nasopharyngeal sample that doesn't come back hemolyzed. If this can be overcome, then healthcare professionals will address the next possible issue, one that occurred during this year's influenza season: if a COVID-19 sample tests positive for C. difficile.
There are no known vaccines at the moment for the public to refuse.
Treatment is largely supportive in the form of excess toilet paper, Bob Ross painting videos, and Z-Pak prescriptions. There are currently no known treatments for COVID-19. Interventions such as prayer, screaming "WHY GOD WHY?!" and remdesivir are currently ongoing. A study involving Kaletra (lopinavir/ritonavir) produced disappointing results, as did the ones that looked at sodium bicarb and precordial thumps. There was controversy when French health minister, Olivier Véran, warned that NSAIDs should be avoided In patients with confirmed COVID-19. This recommendation has not been adopted in the United States due to large opposition on behalf of military health care professionals who state that eliminating NSAIDs essentially eliminates all that a military health care professional can offer.
- Supply of N95 respirators & surgical masks - Supplies have been dwindling worldwide. U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams tweeted "STOP BUYING MASKS!" to Americans, though this had little impact on the American supply chain. Adams ultimately was caught hoarding masks, but their reintroduction into the health care system only bought another week of time. Decreased availability of N95 respirators has forced health care professionals to use lower quality N94, N93, N92, N91, N90, N89, N88, N87, N86, N85, N84, N83, N82, N81, N80, N79, N78, N77, N76, N75, N74, N73, N72, N71, N70, N69, N68, N67, N66, N65, N64, N63, N62, N61, N60, N59, N58, N57, N56, N55, N54, N53, N52, N51, N50, N49, N48, N47, N46, N45, N44, N43, N42, N41, N40, N39, N38, N37, N36, N35, N34, N33, N32, N31, N30, N29, N28, N27, N26, N25, N24, N23, N22, N21, N20, N19, N18, N17, N16, N15, N14, N13, N12, N11, N10, N9, N8, N7, N6, N5, N4, N3, N2, and N1 masks, and even these are running low. The supply of surgical masks has also been depleted even though COVID-19 hasn't peaked. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has suggested the use of homemade PPE such as bandanas and scarves as a last resort. Gomerblog has suggested other creative items should the supply of bandanas and scarves become depleted. Some of these include: sweaty sports cup, jock strap, pantyhose, turtleneck (pulled upwards), winter cap (pulled downwards), Saran Wrap, large condom, tampons (placed in nostrils), ski or SCUBA masks, snorkels, and horse feed bags.. Despite what would appear to be a dire situation, Americas nurses remain upbeat as they can't think if anything else better to do after a 12-hour shift than to make their own personal protective equipment (PPE). Morale subsequently rebounded when a study revealed that bandanas were in fact superior to N95 respirators and surgical masks for PPE.
- Supply of health care professionals - Contact tracing of the first U.S. cases of COVID-19 led to the 2-week self-quarantine of anywhere from 40 to 200 health care workers. In the event of a patient surge, such quarantine protocols would eventually deplete the work force. Subspecialists are the most sensible back-ups given their prior training in medicine or surgery. OB/GYNs have already volunteered their services on the front line, but radiologists are already being drafted, putting them in the unique position of performing their own clinical correlations. Orthopedic surgeons are relearning ICU things. In the extreme scenario shortages still persist, first-year medical students, undergraduate students contemplating a career in health care, and toddlers with Fisher-Price stethoscopes will serve as backup.
- Supply of ventilators - It is very possible that the American trajectory of COVID-19 will mimic Northern Italy, leading to a shortage of ventilators. To bridge the gap, the American Medical Student Association will provide medical students to bag those patients until ventilators become available. Additionally, the CDC has pledged to make over 10,000 flawed ventilators.
- COVID-19's effect on global markets - COVID-19 has arrested economic activity, causing markets to crash worldwide. The United States has been trying to combat recession through multiple routes. The Federal Reserve Bank of New York has slashed interest rates to near zero and plans to buy back $500 billion in Treasury and security-backed bonds. It is also considering pushing 1 amp of bicarb. Congress has rapidly approved stimulus packages aimed at providing Americans with more toilet paper and Xanax (alprazolam). It speaks volumes that all of the blame thus far has been directed at COVID-19, not Anesthesia, suggesting that the apocalypse has in fact arrived.
- Match Day: March 20, 2020 - Amidst social distancing, fourth-year medical students weren't able to congregate at their respective medical schools on this momentous day, instead moving their ceremonies and celebrations online. This did not dampen their spirits as they all were excited to learn that they had matched at their respective No. 1 COVID-19 hotspot. Some students hope to inoculate themselves with novel coronavirus immediately after Match Day in the hopes it doesn't interrupt workflow starting on July 1. Other students wish to hold out and get infected at their new residency program.
- Anxiety among healthcare professionals - Anxiety runs high among healthcare professionals, not only because of the increased challenges at work due to COVID-19 but the increased challenges outside of the work place. One example is health care professionals running out of not only masks but toilet paper, as they were too busy dealing with patients to go to grocery stores. Gomerblog and its fans have created a COVID-19 Doomsday playlist in the hopes of keep everyone from going completely insane as laughs and smiles are few and far between.
- People's Sexiest Man Alive: Dr. Anthony Fauci - Dr. Fauci's expertise, calm demeanor, and facts-only approach to the COVID-19 pandemic has been much needed in the absence of otherwise ineffective government leadership. His recommendation to watch Bob Ross painting videos singlehandedly decreased the average American resting heart rate from 125 to 115. Because of his leadership since coronavirus reached the United States, the American public finally granted him a much-deserved 15-minute nap. Americans woke him up exactly after 15 minutes, frantically asking him what the hell we need to do next.
Are We Totally Screwed?
Oh, most definitely.
Current CDC Guidelines & Advice
- Wash your hands for at least 20 minutes
- Stay inside but if you need to venture out for food or medications, keep at least 1 mile between yourself and others
- Cover your cough or sneeze (unless the people around you are confirmed COVID-positive, in which case don't worry about it)
- Move to other oxygen-positive, COVID-negative planet
- Do not defecate for at least the next 60 days
- Never, ever listen to CDC guidelines
- Airborne Precautions
- Contact Precautions
- Endotracheal Tube
- Hand Sanitizer
- Breaking: Earth’s Inner Core Tests Positive for Coronavirus (Gomerblog)
- U.S. Hospitals to Close After Patients Test Positive for COVID-19 (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19 Update: Orthopods Suspend Bro Hugs for 60 Days (Gomerblog)
- Orthopaedic Surgeons Directed to Shelter in Hospital Gym Until COVID-19 Clears (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19: Self-Quarantined Anesthesiologist Running Dangerous Low on Sudoku Supplies (Gomerblog)
- Breaking: Batman Diagnosed with COVID-19 (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19: CDC Says “We’re Totally Effed” in a Zombie Apocalypse (Gomerblog)
- Aliens Postpone Earth Invasion Due to Coronavirus Concerns (Gomerblog)
- BREAKING: New York City Resident Tests Negative for COVID-19 (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19: Lady Liberty Shelters in Place on Liberty Island (Gomerblog)
- CDC Decides to Put All of New York on a Ventilator (Gomerblog)
- Colossal coronavirus about to devour New York City (Gomerblog)
- WHO Warns Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time (The Onion)
- Easter Bunny Tests Positive for Coronavirus (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19 Update: Palliative Care Makes U.S. DNR (Gomerblog)
- Supply of ICD-10 Codes for COVID-19 “Dangerously Low” (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19: Thankful On-Call ID Doc Paged Only 43,589 Times Today (Gomerblog)
- Tips: Is It Allergies or COVID-19? (Gomerblog)
- FDA Rejects Rapid COVID-19 Test in Favor of Slow-as-Balls One (Gomerblog)
- CDC: Test Kits Are Low, Critically Ill & Famous People Only (Gomerblog)
- Da Vinci Will Be Key in Defeating COVID-19, Says No One (Gomerblog)
- Habit, I Guess: OB/GYNs Accidentally Swabbing Vaginas for COVID-19 (Gomerblog)
- Damn It! All U.S. COVID-19 Samples Coming Back Hemolyzed (Gomerblog)
- That Can’t Be Good: Flu Swab Positive for C. Diff (Gomerblog)
- CDC: Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Ready for Refusal By Anti-Vaxxers By 2021 (Gomerblog)
- Study: ‘Brilliant Butthole Sign’ Diagnostic of TP Hoarding (Gomerblog)
- Breaking: COVID-19 Found in Toilet Paper (Gomerblog)
- Dr. Fauci Implores We All Watch Bob Ross on Infinite Loop Immediately (Gomerblog)
- Primary Care Docs Happily Handing Out Z-Pak Prescriptions to Coronavirus Patient (Gomerblog)
- Military Doctors Petrified if Motrin Found to Worsen Coronavirus (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19: U.S. Surgeon General Caught Hoarding All of Nation’s Masks (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19 Tips: What to Do When No Facemasks Are Available (Gomerblog)
- Nurses Excited to Make Their Own PPE (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19 Study: Bandanas Superior to N95s, Surgical Masks for PPE (Gomerblog)
- Radiologist Drafted Into Direct Patient Care, Forced to Perform Own Clinical Correlation (Gomerblog)
- Orthopaedic Surgeons Attempting to “Re-learn” ICU Things (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19 Solution: In Event of Vent Shortage, Med Students Will Bag Indefinitely (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19: House Relief Package to Provide Billions & Billions of Dollars of Toilet Paper (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19: Congress to Send 1,000 Pills of Xanax to Every American (Gomerblog)
- Match Day! Med Students Find Out Where They’ll Be Ruling-Out COVID-19 on July 1st (Gomerblog)
- Music Therapy: Gomerblog’s COVID-19 Doomsday Playlist (Gomerblog)
- Nation Gives Fauci Permission to Take 15-Minute Power Nap (Gomerblog)
- Strongly Recommends Against Defecation (Gomerblog)
- COVID-19: CDC Recommends Not Listening to CDC Recommendations (Gomerblog)