Constipation
Constipation is a malady affecting the bowels whereby the desire to poop is not necessary followed by the action of pooping.
Etiologies
There are several risk factors that can lead to or worsen existing constipation. The two biggest risk factors are taking opioids and being in the hospital.
Opioids are notorious for causing constipation.[1][2] Even without the opioid epidemic causing several medical organizations including the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to encourage greater discretion in dispensing these medications, there would be just cause to officially recognize a constipation epidemic to focus on getting Americans' bowels moving again.
For reasons that are unclear, but are likely related to the bowel gods above, just the mere act of setting foot into a hospital can constipate not only patients but their family members. Even health care professionals are at increased risk of constipation and obstipation by working in a hospital, which is often why health care professionals should be on a prophylactic bowel regimen when on service.
Other risk factors for constipation include dehydration, immobility, a banana-only diet, drinking wet cement, or having an obstructing object like an eggplant in the rectum blocking the exit of stool.[3]
Diagnosis
A diagnosis of constipation is established in two manners:
- Patient says "I'm constipated"
- Rectal, radiographic, or endoscopic exam reveals a crap ton of crap
If diagnosed with constipation, that warrants an immediate admission.[4]
Treatment
Constipation is best relieved either by the brave actions of one willing to disimpact the patient or religiously following the 2016 Code Constipation Algorithm.[5] When the patient poops, it is an absolute joyous occasional that is well-worth celebrating, as momentous or even more so than your wedding day or child's birth.[6]
Complications
Though there are several regrettable complications of constipation (including obstipation and bowel obstruction), but the most dreaded one is fecocephalus.
Prevention
- Avoid narcotic and other bowel-slowing medications
- Do not eat more than 80 bananas in a day
- Always keep active in moving, even while sleeping
- Fiber, Colace, laxatives, and all that other good sh*t
Related Reading
- GoLYTELY
- Gown
- Pride
- Rectify
- What is the largest bowel movement by a human ever?
References
- ↑ Surgeon General to Reverse Opioid Epidemic with Whopping Dose of Narcan (Gomerblog)
- ↑ ACP Guidelines for Low Back Pain: “Anything, ANYTHING But Opioids” (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Winnie Can’t Pooh, Needs Surgical Intervention (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Constipation is an Admitting Diagnosis Apparently (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Updated 2016 Code Constipation Algorithm (Gomerblog)
- ↑ Breaking News: THE PATIENT POOPED!!! (Gomerblog)
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