Book of Delivery Menus
The book of delivery menus (or Book of Delivery Menus, as it is sometimes capitalized as a sign of reverence) is one of the most prized possessions in the nurses station and entire hospital: it is a big beautiful book of menus, painstakingly compiled by countless generations of nurses, whose role is to provide nourishment to nurses and other medical staff during hours of need: when the cafeteria is closed, weekends, nights, and holidays. Up until 2004, every book of delivery menus was protected by its own security guard until skyrocketing health care costs and budgetary cutbacks prevented this practice from continuing.
It is described in the medical literature that the first book of delivery menus was created by nurses who worked alongside Hippocrates. These brilliant nurses or "muses," as Hippocrates referred to them, believed that the only way medical personnel could uphold the words of the Hippocratic Oath was by making sure they were fed at every waking moment. This first book of delivery menus was focused mainly on Greek cuisine and the Mediterranean diet, though a few Chinese takeout menus were found as well. The impressive thoroughness of this first book of delivery menus ensured, alongside the greatness of the nurses potluck, that medical personnel were fed and fed well for millenia to come. Every great civilization ever since has evidence of a book of delivery menus, thus showing its importance as the bedrock of civilization. In fact, some historians believe that the awe-inspiring Machu Picchu was build to house and protect Pachacuti's menu stash.
The book of delivery menus is typically contained within a binder that resembles a patient chart and is usually the exclusive right of the charge nurse to build, though he or she may let other staff indulge in the honor of building this book. It is better organized than most medical documentation, such as progress notes and discharge summaries. In its most impressive and complete form, the book of delivery menus contains a preface, table of contents, chapters organized by cuisine, and a bibliography. It can include anything from burgers to pizza and Chinese food to Thai. No less than fifty menus total and no less than ten menus from Mexican and/or Chinese restaurants must be present, otherwise the book of delivery menus is considered incomplete or a work in progress. In the rare event it is a work in progress, completing the book of delivery menus takes priority and precedence over anything else, especially patient care and charting.
The aforementioned lack of security personnel to guard the book of delivery menus over the past decade has led to the occasional loss of the book of delivery menus, which is considered an emergency situation; one need to look no further than March 2015 when 20 night nurses and doctors at Augusta Medical Center died from hanger when a book of delivery menus tragically disappeared. In addition to having an emergency fund to help create a new book of delivery menus, the American Society for the Book of Delivery Menus (ASBDM) recommends that creating a photocopied back-up copy of the book of delivery menus is both necessary and essential. It even suggests putting a hospital on diversion in order to ensure completion of the task.
- Did you know the heaviest book of delivery menus weighs over 500 tons? It is on the second floor nurses station at Omaha Medical Center.
- The book of delivery menus throughout Medical University of South Carolina are considered to have the most beautifully decorated covers in the entire world.
- The book with the most delivery menus is at the 7A nurses station in New York Medical Center with 3,146 menus.
- Florence Nightingale's "Notes on Delivery Menus," published in 1859, is considered a masterpiece in the genre, telling nurses that "backup stashes of turkey sandwiches aren't enough."
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